I'm so tired of singing. I'm so tired of singing when all it does is break my heart.

Everyone's just always trying to "help" but all it does is break my heart. I'm so sick of it, I don't want to do it anymore. I'm never going to be good enough to do what I want. I'm never going to be able to do what they want me to do.

It's so hard to hear that you can't do something that's like, your soul.

I've always put up a wall when it comes to things so that if they hated me, they really didn't.

But this... this is me. This is my best... and it stinks.

Everyone wants to hear me sing. Everyone wants me to do better. I just want to give up.

I knew I wasn't going to get the solo. I knew it. But somehow, there was still hope in my heart.

Somehow that just slipped right in to be crushed.

It's so incredibly hard to lay yourself out there to be criticized.

I don't want to do it anymore. It's so bad that when Wes asks me to sing for him, I can't.

When I ride in the car and hear my favorite song, I can't.

I can't do it anymore. I've been broken down and I'm not the kind of person to build from that.

That's the last thing I'll do. I breakdown and quit.

I can't quit though. Everything I do in college, I have to sing. I CAN'T ANYMORE.

How can you tell me I'm not good enough but still expect me to do it?

Then, everyone else tells me I'm so good. STOP LYING. I already hear the truth.

You know, there's girls who go up there and completely suck yet nothing is said to them but when I go up, here's a whole rant about what YOU did wrong. I'm tired of it.

I just want everyone to shut up. I just want to do something that everyone thinks I'm good at. This definitely isn't it. DEFINITELY.

And then they have the gall to ask me why I praise Lacy and wish I could sing like her when I have such a "beautiful" voice. Come on...

Wes and my dad have been trying to help me for so long but there's only so much you can do without someone who's already given up on themselves.

I love them and thank them for what they've said but I'm just done...

And now I don't even want to go back to Montreat. DREADING going back to Montreat because I know I'm going to have to go through all of this.

Man, I woke up feeling depressed and this only made it worse.

Sometimes when this place gets empty...

I really don't like having an empty house. It's weird nowadays having everyone "all grown up" and gone from home. Having Thanksgiving today made me realize how old I really am. It made me realize how much everything's not going to be the way it used to be. I remember how these days were FILLED with tons of people packed into little kitchens. Everyone shouting and having conversations. All the women gossiping and all the men watching TV. I miss it all. Thanksgiving will never be the same until I have my own big family. Trust me. I cannot wait until I have a family of my own. Now that this one has dissipated, I have to create my own. I just can't wait till I'm thirty, have a handle on bills and whatnot, have kids of all ages, and a husband who loves and supports me. That's when I will feel complete again.

I'm really glad my brother's friends/girlfriend came over. They gave me the amount of people to make me comfortable. We all played board games which was fun and it made it feel like home which it normally doesn't anymore. Thanksgiving dinner was really good, I just didn't like the way my dad was treating my mom. They fight too often nowadays. It really worries me and puts an even bigger rift in such a small company. It breaks my heart.

I just don't like everyone gone. It makes me sad. I miss Chris most of all. Definitely. He was like my 3rd half. A day filled with him and Wes made my life complete. I LOVED driving around town, blasting his gay techno music, and singing our hearts out. It didn't matter the destination, just driving around was fun to me. Plus, where ever you go with Chris, he makes it fun. He's the only one that got me and actually made fun of people in my league. Well actually, I had to keep up with him. Ahah. He was the only one that we could throw total bitch fits and the next minute just swallow it and move on to have fun. I made a playlist of songs that reminds me of him. It's sad, I know. I miss just being able to rant and rave to him when I'm mad and he understood and bitched with me. It really hurt that he thought I was just using him for a ride. It hurt because I knew how much I enjoyed his company but didn't have the guts to say anything. I really wish he was still here. He's in Philadelphia now though and I bet he's the happiest person. I'm happy for him. I guess just him not being here makes the house feel empty. Really empty. Just having him sit next to me watching TV made me not feel alone. And I miss his crazy ass friends he brought home. Kirkle was the cutest gay kid ever! Him and Chris together was the perfect couple ever. (Not in a gay way, a friend way) I mean, come on. We were born together. I've had him next to my side since the beginning of my time. It's hard to not have that comfort anymore. I might have complained about it in the beginning but now I have trouble going on without it. It hurts I miss him so much. :(

I guess I just feel really alone right now. I can't stand it. If you knew me at all, you would know I don't like feeling this way. It's hard for me to move on. I don't like change simply because of these feelings.

I wish Wes would call.

Sour Girl

I am so scared to go back to school. I've had a complete week to myself, laying in bed, being waited on hand and foot. Don't get me wrong. It did come with a price. I felt horrible the entire time and couldn't be awake for any significant amount of time. When I was awake though, all I could think about is how much work is building up back at college. How am I ever going to catch up? I just got to the point where I had everything under control again. Not anymore. I just need to go back with my head up and a will that is strong. I just know there is going to be one teacher who will give me hell for not being there. (Sigh) We'll see...

You know, Wes and me have been fighting A LOT lately. More than normal. It's really getting to me. Because, when I'm around him, I just want him to stop. I can't be without him though. It's ridiculous. He left a couple of hours ago and even though he made most of my weekend miserable, I want him back. He's so cute when he sleeps. His lips pout out and his eyelashes stick together. (He has the most beautiful eyelashes too. Why were they wasted on a guy?) And he's just so at peace. The second he wakes up though, his face looks like he's in total torment. It gets to me. He tells me repeatedly how much I annoy him and whatnot. I'm wondering what's keeping him around. He hates me so much but for some reason he stays. We're having the same problems I've had with Reece. I'm just a TERRIBLE girlfriend. But at the moment of doing these "wretched" thing, I don't see it. I don't get what I'm doing so horrible wrong. I just don't know anymore. Now I'm going to have to go back to arguments on the phone which are so much more worse then arguments in person. (Sigh again)

And I feel like I'm getting sick again. I think I got what my brother's girlfriend has. It's killing me because I was JUST feeling healthy again. :(

I can't win.

Today isn't my day and I have a feeling this week isn't going to be any good either.

I just hope God's on my side and keeps me strong through all the nonsense.

Idle hands invite the devil. (or something like that)

Oh how completely bored I am.

I wish I could be like Thornton Wilder and give a mystic significance to the smaller things in life.

What a nerd I have become.

I have been battling myself lately. I feel like I've been brainwashed.

I'm trying to decide whether I want to strengthen my relationship with God because I want to or because everyone else around me already has one. I feel like if I have that personal relationship with him, which is a unique characteristic of the Christian God, then I will have purpose in life. I will feel fulfilled instead of just... well... nothing. I feel like everything I do is for nothing. I mean, I guess in some people's eyes I'm doing something with my life. I'm in college, studying a subject I "love," and moving on. But am I really?

I wish I could think straight instead of ignoring that pain in my side and figure it all out.

I've always believed in God, I just never thought he had any control over my life. I always believed he was a "watchmaker." He made the world and now is watching it do whatever it does.

But in the Bible it talks of all these stories of how God communicated with us lowly humans.

But seriously, if those stories happened in our time, would you believe them?

If the Bible came about in our time instead of centuries ago, could you believe it was really happening?

Right now I am studying the Old Testament and it talks about how the People of God struggled following him since he freed them from Egypt. Well, the first generation, you're just stupid. He showed his own miracles and did many wondrous things right in front of you. But what if you were the later generations? The ones in Judah or Israel? The ones that never had a personal experience with God? Instead, only knows the rules of the culture surrounding them and the few words of a "prophet." I mean, today, if someone came up to you and told you to do everything against what our society believes because some mysterious being told him so, would you do it? I know I wouldn't. I'd call him crazy and put him in the looney bin.

One prophet, I think it was Isaiah (don't hold me to it), walked around the gates, completely naked talking of future comings. If you saw someone like that today, would you listen to him?

Like everyone says however, it's all faith. You have to BELIEVE the words of God are in the Bible. You have to have FAITH.

Is it so bad that I was brought up in a society where they only believed what they saw, and I followed them? These concepts are hard for me to grasp.

I'm not atheist or anything like that. I DO BELIEVE IN GOD. I just question things people around me don't. And I don't have anyone to talk to about it because NO ONE has the answers. It's all based on faith.

I kind of wish I had faith. Blind, ignorant faith.

Someone once asked me if I believed in God because I was afraid to go to hell or because I actually believed in him.

That's a serious question to ponder upon. I mean... really.

Of course you're going to be afraid to go to hell. I mean, it's hell. Should that be the only reason you follow God though?

Another question:

If God created and controls everything, why is there evil?

The answer they gave me says that God uses good and evil to do good works and accomplish good things. For some reason, that's not good enough for me.

How can Satan wage war for humans against God if God is all powerful?

What a conundrum my friends.

I'm not saying these things are wrong or someone should question what they believe in,

it's just things I question myself. I don't want to follow something blindly. I want to be educated.

These things intrigue me. I wish there was a serious job for this kind of stuff.

Mind you, I said serious.

Well, that's my boredom entry for you.