D S

I started thinking about it the other day. What you did to me. Whether you know it or not, you severely impacted my life. More bad then good but that just shows the person you are. You accuse me of being something to not be proud of but have you ever seriously looked at yourself? Look at what you've done? Not only to me but to everyone else. You've told people you've changed for the better but honestly? I don't believe it for a second. I've heard it all before. It was always the thing to come out of your mouth. You say you can't get over what I've done to you in the past. There's too much for me to get over. Too much there. I hate to admit it but I was depressed. I wanted to die then. Why? Because of you and the puppets you used against me. Yes, I did things wrong but I didn't deserve half of what you dished out. I was watching a show yesterday about Teenage Girls Today. Of course I'm not included because I'm considered an adult. But man, did it still remind me of all those days. There were a lot of good ones. Although, the main ones that stick out to me are the bad ones. The ones that you caused. They talked about a whole new level of harassment that never goes away. I experienced it. I got tons of physical and mental hits. I still have mental scars. The most impressionable years and you took away one of them. All over a stupid boy that was just going to break your heart anyway. He was a manipulator that manipulated us both. I keep telling myself I'm thankful you taught me a lesson. In retrospect, I don't thank you. I resent it all. You said you forgave me but always threw it in my face. I'm glad we're not friends anymore. Really glad.
Then why?
Why all of a sudden?
Why do you haunt my dreams?

Hey Man, Nice Shot

I seriously just got so mad over a few words spoken by a used-to-be-good friend.

There's nothing to be "better then."

"I'm better then that."

Different people do different things to cope with life and/or problems. Just because they use drugs to deal with it, doesn't make them a bad person. I hate ignorant people. I hate people who have grown up in a bubble all their lives and then decide it's okay to judge something they've never experienced. Trust me, I've been there and done that. A person is still a person no matter what they do. THEY'RE A HUMAN BEING. ARE YOU BETTER THEN A HUMAN BEING?

If you seriously have no idea what I'm talking about (mostly because you haven't been there) watch Intervention. It's the only other thing that truly shows you the inner being of a crackhead, anorexic, heroin addict, etc. There's reasons for people to act the way they do. I believe that it's the experiences they encountered that motivates them. Am I a bad person because I did drugs in the past? Am I a bad person because I still associate with people who still do? Are you really better then me? NO, you're not. I just feel personally attacked by that statement.

Don't make a generalization like that until you really KNOW. And even then it's not okay but I'll let it slide. It's so sad to see people... to see people say things like that. They'll never know.

They'll never know the demons. They'll never know how hard it is. They'll never know anything about anything until they truly open their eyes.

I wish I could open people's eyes.

I wish I could even see better.

F*ck this. F*ck that statement. F*ck it all.

I just cruised around blogspot for a minute and I've checked out a lot of blogs.

They are soooo much more interesting then my little dinky thing. People have so much more of a.... life then I do. There's so much more out in the world then my lame bubble. I keep forgetting this. Sometimes you just have to step out of your own realm of reality and see how big the world actually is. I watched that one movie called Earth. Wow. That movie was incredibly awe-inspiring. It brought to my attention how immense this universe actually is. Like, there's places outside of the U.S. There's things bigger than your house. I don't know how to explain it. It's hard. You just have to feel it to understand. I wish I could go outside and enjoy life more often. Instead I suffer from laziness and apathy. I just don't care. Or, on the other hand, I care too much. It's one or the other extreme.

I also read this book named "Our Town" by Thornton Wilder. Only reason I remembered all of this is because I've had to write multiple essays on it. My point here is that Wilder brought to the table a second opinion. He said in so many words that the simple things in life are actually the important ones. Those are the things that should be cherished. The everyday monotonous routine that we all complain of, that's where it's at.

I agree but I don't.

Like I said before; step out of the bubble.

I don't think you should hate your life though.

I'm always switching sides. I'm like a swinger. Aha.

I don't know. I guess I just write in this thing, not to show the world what I have to say (even though that's slightly it too), but to keep myself sane. These are the words that never seem to be able to come out when I'm talking. The words that swirl around in my head with no point until I type them (and even then they seem kind of jumbled). Who knows? The human mind is a tricky thing. If it doesn't tell the rest of the body what to do, you're dead.

There for you

Sometimes I'm a selfish fake
You're always a true friend
I don't deserve you
'Cause I'm not there for you
Though I wish I would be

I wanna be there for you
And be someone you can come to

Swirling shades of blue
Slow dancing in your sky
The sun kisses the earth
And I hush my urge to cry

'Cause I hear the whispered words
In your masterpiece beautiful
You speak the unspeakable through
I love you too

I wanna be there for you
And be someone you can come to

I wanna be there for you
And be someone you can come to
The love runs deeper than my bones
You're beautiful don't you know?

FLYLEAF

I'm so tired of singing. I'm so tired of singing when all it does is break my heart.

Everyone's just always trying to "help" but all it does is break my heart. I'm so sick of it, I don't want to do it anymore. I'm never going to be good enough to do what I want. I'm never going to be able to do what they want me to do.

It's so hard to hear that you can't do something that's like, your soul.

I've always put up a wall when it comes to things so that if they hated me, they really didn't.

But this... this is me. This is my best... and it stinks.

Everyone wants to hear me sing. Everyone wants me to do better. I just want to give up.

I knew I wasn't going to get the solo. I knew it. But somehow, there was still hope in my heart.

Somehow that just slipped right in to be crushed.

It's so incredibly hard to lay yourself out there to be criticized.

I don't want to do it anymore. It's so bad that when Wes asks me to sing for him, I can't.

When I ride in the car and hear my favorite song, I can't.

I can't do it anymore. I've been broken down and I'm not the kind of person to build from that.

That's the last thing I'll do. I breakdown and quit.

I can't quit though. Everything I do in college, I have to sing. I CAN'T ANYMORE.

How can you tell me I'm not good enough but still expect me to do it?

Then, everyone else tells me I'm so good. STOP LYING. I already hear the truth.

You know, there's girls who go up there and completely suck yet nothing is said to them but when I go up, here's a whole rant about what YOU did wrong. I'm tired of it.

I just want everyone to shut up. I just want to do something that everyone thinks I'm good at. This definitely isn't it. DEFINITELY.

And then they have the gall to ask me why I praise Lacy and wish I could sing like her when I have such a "beautiful" voice. Come on...

Wes and my dad have been trying to help me for so long but there's only so much you can do without someone who's already given up on themselves.

I love them and thank them for what they've said but I'm just done...

And now I don't even want to go back to Montreat. DREADING going back to Montreat because I know I'm going to have to go through all of this.

Man, I woke up feeling depressed and this only made it worse.

Sometimes when this place gets empty...

I really don't like having an empty house. It's weird nowadays having everyone "all grown up" and gone from home. Having Thanksgiving today made me realize how old I really am. It made me realize how much everything's not going to be the way it used to be. I remember how these days were FILLED with tons of people packed into little kitchens. Everyone shouting and having conversations. All the women gossiping and all the men watching TV. I miss it all. Thanksgiving will never be the same until I have my own big family. Trust me. I cannot wait until I have a family of my own. Now that this one has dissipated, I have to create my own. I just can't wait till I'm thirty, have a handle on bills and whatnot, have kids of all ages, and a husband who loves and supports me. That's when I will feel complete again.

I'm really glad my brother's friends/girlfriend came over. They gave me the amount of people to make me comfortable. We all played board games which was fun and it made it feel like home which it normally doesn't anymore. Thanksgiving dinner was really good, I just didn't like the way my dad was treating my mom. They fight too often nowadays. It really worries me and puts an even bigger rift in such a small company. It breaks my heart.

I just don't like everyone gone. It makes me sad. I miss Chris most of all. Definitely. He was like my 3rd half. A day filled with him and Wes made my life complete. I LOVED driving around town, blasting his gay techno music, and singing our hearts out. It didn't matter the destination, just driving around was fun to me. Plus, where ever you go with Chris, he makes it fun. He's the only one that got me and actually made fun of people in my league. Well actually, I had to keep up with him. Ahah. He was the only one that we could throw total bitch fits and the next minute just swallow it and move on to have fun. I made a playlist of songs that reminds me of him. It's sad, I know. I miss just being able to rant and rave to him when I'm mad and he understood and bitched with me. It really hurt that he thought I was just using him for a ride. It hurt because I knew how much I enjoyed his company but didn't have the guts to say anything. I really wish he was still here. He's in Philadelphia now though and I bet he's the happiest person. I'm happy for him. I guess just him not being here makes the house feel empty. Really empty. Just having him sit next to me watching TV made me not feel alone. And I miss his crazy ass friends he brought home. Kirkle was the cutest gay kid ever! Him and Chris together was the perfect couple ever. (Not in a gay way, a friend way) I mean, come on. We were born together. I've had him next to my side since the beginning of my time. It's hard to not have that comfort anymore. I might have complained about it in the beginning but now I have trouble going on without it. It hurts I miss him so much. :(

I guess I just feel really alone right now. I can't stand it. If you knew me at all, you would know I don't like feeling this way. It's hard for me to move on. I don't like change simply because of these feelings.

I wish Wes would call.

Sour Girl

I am so scared to go back to school. I've had a complete week to myself, laying in bed, being waited on hand and foot. Don't get me wrong. It did come with a price. I felt horrible the entire time and couldn't be awake for any significant amount of time. When I was awake though, all I could think about is how much work is building up back at college. How am I ever going to catch up? I just got to the point where I had everything under control again. Not anymore. I just need to go back with my head up and a will that is strong. I just know there is going to be one teacher who will give me hell for not being there. (Sigh) We'll see...

You know, Wes and me have been fighting A LOT lately. More than normal. It's really getting to me. Because, when I'm around him, I just want him to stop. I can't be without him though. It's ridiculous. He left a couple of hours ago and even though he made most of my weekend miserable, I want him back. He's so cute when he sleeps. His lips pout out and his eyelashes stick together. (He has the most beautiful eyelashes too. Why were they wasted on a guy?) And he's just so at peace. The second he wakes up though, his face looks like he's in total torment. It gets to me. He tells me repeatedly how much I annoy him and whatnot. I'm wondering what's keeping him around. He hates me so much but for some reason he stays. We're having the same problems I've had with Reece. I'm just a TERRIBLE girlfriend. But at the moment of doing these "wretched" thing, I don't see it. I don't get what I'm doing so horrible wrong. I just don't know anymore. Now I'm going to have to go back to arguments on the phone which are so much more worse then arguments in person. (Sigh again)

And I feel like I'm getting sick again. I think I got what my brother's girlfriend has. It's killing me because I was JUST feeling healthy again. :(

I can't win.

Today isn't my day and I have a feeling this week isn't going to be any good either.

I just hope God's on my side and keeps me strong through all the nonsense.

Idle hands invite the devil. (or something like that)

Oh how completely bored I am.

I wish I could be like Thornton Wilder and give a mystic significance to the smaller things in life.

What a nerd I have become.

I have been battling myself lately. I feel like I've been brainwashed.

I'm trying to decide whether I want to strengthen my relationship with God because I want to or because everyone else around me already has one. I feel like if I have that personal relationship with him, which is a unique characteristic of the Christian God, then I will have purpose in life. I will feel fulfilled instead of just... well... nothing. I feel like everything I do is for nothing. I mean, I guess in some people's eyes I'm doing something with my life. I'm in college, studying a subject I "love," and moving on. But am I really?

I wish I could think straight instead of ignoring that pain in my side and figure it all out.

I've always believed in God, I just never thought he had any control over my life. I always believed he was a "watchmaker." He made the world and now is watching it do whatever it does.

But in the Bible it talks of all these stories of how God communicated with us lowly humans.

But seriously, if those stories happened in our time, would you believe them?

If the Bible came about in our time instead of centuries ago, could you believe it was really happening?

Right now I am studying the Old Testament and it talks about how the People of God struggled following him since he freed them from Egypt. Well, the first generation, you're just stupid. He showed his own miracles and did many wondrous things right in front of you. But what if you were the later generations? The ones in Judah or Israel? The ones that never had a personal experience with God? Instead, only knows the rules of the culture surrounding them and the few words of a "prophet." I mean, today, if someone came up to you and told you to do everything against what our society believes because some mysterious being told him so, would you do it? I know I wouldn't. I'd call him crazy and put him in the looney bin.

One prophet, I think it was Isaiah (don't hold me to it), walked around the gates, completely naked talking of future comings. If you saw someone like that today, would you listen to him?

Like everyone says however, it's all faith. You have to BELIEVE the words of God are in the Bible. You have to have FAITH.

Is it so bad that I was brought up in a society where they only believed what they saw, and I followed them? These concepts are hard for me to grasp.

I'm not atheist or anything like that. I DO BELIEVE IN GOD. I just question things people around me don't. And I don't have anyone to talk to about it because NO ONE has the answers. It's all based on faith.

I kind of wish I had faith. Blind, ignorant faith.

Someone once asked me if I believed in God because I was afraid to go to hell or because I actually believed in him.

That's a serious question to ponder upon. I mean... really.

Of course you're going to be afraid to go to hell. I mean, it's hell. Should that be the only reason you follow God though?

Another question:

If God created and controls everything, why is there evil?

The answer they gave me says that God uses good and evil to do good works and accomplish good things. For some reason, that's not good enough for me.

How can Satan wage war for humans against God if God is all powerful?

What a conundrum my friends.

I'm not saying these things are wrong or someone should question what they believe in,

it's just things I question myself. I don't want to follow something blindly. I want to be educated.

These things intrigue me. I wish there was a serious job for this kind of stuff.

Mind you, I said serious.

Well, that's my boredom entry for you.

Please, Dear God, save me from this plight of depression.

Give me strength to fight the evil that is taking over my heart and soul.

Lead me to your light so that I may one day bask in your glory.

Let me once again enjoy the fruits of your labor instead of living in a world of grey.

Keep me safe, Dear Lord.

Amen.

Olive Garden and Dancing through the Decades.

From left to right: Kristen, Selina, Katy, Cayla, Elizabeth, and MEEE! :D

Dancing through the decades. Ahahaha, I love it.

tee-hee, Selina....

and I just stole this picture to show you my cute Lacy.

Forgot to post these. My new friends. :)

Welp

Heller, how ya doing?

Man, college is a bitch sometimes. I seriously have no boredom time. Is that such a bad thing? For some, no. For me? Yes. Once in a while I just like being bored. Being bored means being relaxed. I have been stressed out the past couple of weeks. Mostly because of all the tests, midterms, papers, etc. I've been having to get done in a jiffy. You know, they say not to procrastinate but I'd like to know how they would handle getting 48 hrs. of work done in 24 hrs. Because, well, that's what it feels like for me. I have some bad news my two friends. (There's only two people who actually read this thing. That's IF they still follow it since I never write in it.) I believe I will not be in music anymore. I just can't handle it. Well, at least at Montreat. The one and only private voice teacher, Ms. McCoy, and she hates my guts. I'm just not cut out to take the criticism she dishes. She said she gave me a really hard piece to begin with (which it is) and it isn't for beginners. Then, she goes on ranting about how much I need to fix. Uhm, hello? I am a beginner? Plus, she likes to tell me I need friends and pick up the slack at school. No thank you unfriendly teacher, I'll move along at my own pace without you. Plus, the dedication you need for each one of those classes... I don't know if you know this but I am lazy. I'm not going to spend hours upon hours a day practicing 5 different pieces of music along with 5 different piano pieces. This is on top of my other, normal load of homework which consists more then likely of at least 5-6 page paper on something.

Oh the joys of college.

Don't get me wrong though. I like it there. I just signed up for the wrong classes. I mistaken my love for choir for the love of individual performance. No thank you. But, you learn from your mistakes my friends. That's what I'm doing. Learning.

I'll figure it out someday. I promise you.

Ms. McIntosh is the loveliest person you will ever meet. She literally has a heart of gold. I am heartbroken that I will not have her class any longer. Poor me...

I love my group of friends I'm starting to get grounded up there.

Selina is my little Indian princess. Ahah. She is HILARIOUS and she just gets me. We're always on the same page. I tell everyone that we share a brain. I got the slow part. I mean... "Can I get your number? Can I get it? Please? Can I get it?"

Lacy is my rock, my Oprah. I swear, if it wasn't for her, I'd be committed. Plus, she's just fun to hang out with. We have the typical "let's go shopping and have sleepovers" girl-friendship. Ah... my favorite kind.

Katy is just my laughing track. She laughs at me and laughs. Makes my days a little brighter. Plus, we're normally on the same grumpy schedule so we bitch with each other. Ahah.

Then there's Cayla who's a hoot, Elizabeth who's hotness, Kristen who's a flying squirrel, and whoever else wants to join.

I just wish there was more time in the day to hang out with these people instead of going to class.

Then there's my baby at home. Wesley Dearman.

He misses me all the time. Poor guy. Because of this we've been having problems but they're slowly getting worked out. I mean, I love the kid, what else can I say? I can't stay away from the sweetheart. We're mad for each other. He's the only one I keep in touch with now in Morganton. Which, is okay with me. As horrible as it is, I don't really have time for anyone else. It sucks but it's the truth. Wes just keeps me grounded and I need that. He keeps reminding me that I just need to keep being myself even when I'm out of my element. That's been depressing me lately but I believe I'm getting a handle on it. I'm also learning to just say, "fuck it." I can't be number one in everything. I love him.

So, I'm definitely getting the new experiences I yearned for and for the most part, I am happy.

Today, driving home, I realized what a beautiful day God has blessed us with. I literally sat there and thanked him for the sunshine and just the happiness he brought to me in that instance. I truly believe he was with me today and I am thankful. I wish I could feel that everyday and see him like I did.

"Standing on the rooftops, everyone scream your HEART OUT."

Why do I always look better in pictures?

What a conundrum.

So, it's been a while since I've been on here. It's been a while since I've actually had enough free time to write. Well, I still don't have free time. There are plenty of things that would be more beneficial for me to do but... it's Friday. Screw it. Am I right guys? (Aha. Inside joke.)

I'm not going to sit here and catch up on what you've missed. Mostly because it would take too long and it's this isn't for you, it's for me. It's healthy to just write sometimes.

Well, the campus has something like 40-something cases of swine flu. Awesome. Just plain ole' awesome.

This thing actually has got me so worried, I had a nightmare about it. Strangely enough, it only had the people at Montreat in it. AND my friend Katy had a similar dream. Is this foreshadowing something? I sure as hell hope not.

So college life is pretty f-ing dandy. I'm loving it. I love the freedom, the campus, the teachers, most of the people, etc.

DANG IT. BBL:

Ah, the weekends. Back to dreading "back to school" and living the week waiting for Fridays. It's good to be home but it sucks that it's only for such a short time. I got the break that I absolutely needed but I just wish it lasted sooo much longer. Why tempt me with summer and throw me back to the lions that we call college? I have so much to do and so little effort is being put forth to get it done. I just want to be lazy and honestly, I can't afford to do it. I have papers to write, books to buy, and clothes to wash. All of this and I have soooo many people I want to see and hang out with. I wish I could've went with Michelle to open house, with Jamie to the fair, and finally to church with Janaye. None of that happened and it kind of depresses me. I know that if I don't TRY to keep in touch with all of these people, those relationships will slowly fade away. I don't want even more friendships to be lost. That'd be the last thing I would want.
It's been really nice to hang out with Wes though. I've missed him so much throughout this entire experience. Just sitting at his house, watching tv with him makes me the happiest person alive. I feel so comfortable and loved. :] I hope this lasts forever.


BBL:

Nestled between the Appalachain Mountains...

Why hello there. So, college life has officially began. I have attended two days worth of classes. I'll tell you one thing. I'm stressed and more then sleep deprived. Even so, I am having so much fun. The only things that have really been bothering me is that I don't have the books I need to be prepared for class and I've been neglecting the most amazing person in my life, The Wesman. I miss him so much and he does NOT know how much I am looking forward to coming home this weekend and chilling with him. I need that. To just sit down and relax with him. I have been getting close to no sleep simply for the fact that I just can't do it. I'm becoming an insomniac.

Tomorrow I have an easier class load. Only two classes. But I sure do have an overflow of homework to occupy my time. I also have to be "placed" in a part for my choir. "/ That basically means I have to sing in front of a new music teacher. I don't know if you know this but Ms. Sawyer is the one and only music teacher I've ever sung by myself in front of. So... I'm definitely nervous. I just hope I do well enough to where he doesn't think I'm a complete failure. Oh, and thank the heavens for Ms. Sawyer and her boring music theory lectures. If it wasn't for her, I'd die in Music Theory I class that I have. I mean, I'm close to keeling over but thanks to her it hasn't happened yet. I'm also taking piano!!! :D I'm excited. Today was my first day in there so I'm definitely ecstatic about it. All of my teachers are extremely nice. Very approachable which is needed in my case. (I ask a lot of questions) They are majorly different from high school teachers though in the fact that they expect A LOT more out of you as students. My one teacher already assigned us an 8-10 page report. Don't worry, it's not due till the end of the semester but it's sure as hell intimidating. Feels like senior project all over again. But yeah, college is cool.

I lost my train of thought therefore I have nothing else to say. I'll add more when I'm available.

College.

My new friend Katy. :D

Not everyone likes strawberries...

Yeah, well, I've arrived.

Well... not just yet. Tomorrow I start classes and apparently you haven't officially started college until you've taken some classes. Even though I've had itineraries full of things to do that sure feel as boring as classes. I've met a lot of people. A LOT. I really like how welcoming everyone is. You can pretty much go up to anyone and introduce yourself and just start a really nice conversation. Anywhere else, they'd look at you crazy and turn away. So yeah, it's a really nice enviroment. Although, I have had a little problem. I went home for a day because I injured myself and when I got home, I felt lost. Just emotionally, I felt lost. I felt like I was pretending to be someone I wanted to be to be liked and coming home (where I could be myself) I was lost. I got so depressed. I felt like I didn't have a home since I never felt "at home" anywhere I went. Finally, being with Wes, we started to talk because he knew something was up. He was getting annoyed because I wasn't being myself. It was awful. But after the talk we decided that I just wasn't being honest with myself. I was so worried about being liked in a new enviroment that I was lying to myself to be just like everyone else. He told me that losing myself made me depressed.

He explained that life moves on with or without you. You have to appreciate everything in this world and don't take advantage because it'll turn grey. The world is so beauiful and HUGE. It's not just my little bubble that I've concerned myself with. I need to be honest with myself and everyone around me and I'll be happy. And that's exactly what I started doing. I feel so much incredibly better. Some people may not like me but not everyone likes stawberries.

:]

In the beginning of this whole college experience I didn't have a roomate. It really made me sad because I felt like I wasn't getting the entire experience. I wanted a best friend that everyone \ already had just living together. Be careful what you wish for my friends. I finally got one and we apparently don't mesh well. She kind of seems offish and like she just wants to be left alone. I wanted to have like a best friend-sister thing like everyone else but instead I got something else. I'm hoping it turns out better. I mean, we don't necessarily fight and she's not mean or anything. There's just not that "click" there. You know? I just want to feel comfortable. I'm going to be basically living like this for an entire year.

Other than that, everything's been going really well. I like being an "adult." I like pretty much being able to do whatever the hell I want without anyone giving me shit. I don't have to ask to go anywhere or need passes. It's awesome. So much better then highschool. Plus, what I like about Montreat is that everything's so close together. It's such a tight knit community. It's a nice feeling. Like someone told me before, "It's like church camp." I definitely like it. I just hope once classes begin I won't be too swamped to where I won't enjoy it anymore

I have almost all music classes. It's pretty good because that's what I'm most interested it. I just hope that I'm not too bad to where they kick me out or something. Aha.

PLUS, they have an open mic night down at the "barn" and I just might sing. I don't know. It's definitely nerve-racking. It might just be a treat. I'm just going to head down there with my friend Katy and we'll see how it goes.

Okay, so, me and my roomate just talked. Maybe it won't be THAT bad. I think we have something in common.

--Normalcy. Ahah.

Man, I love Wes.

The End.

Tonight's gonna be a good, good night.

So, tomorrow's the big day. Well, technically today since it's 1:00. I can't write that much because I'm SUPPOSED to be sleeping since I have to wake up at the butt crack of dawn to get ready.

But, like I said, tomorrow's the big day. The day I go off to college.

Shew, am I nervous. Like, I'm not butterfly nervous, I'm just unsure of what's going to happen. And that just bothers me to the point where I'm ansy and don't know how to act. It's very unlike me. Usually I'm the cool collected person. (Unless I'm around Wes.) It's scaring the crap out of me going into something new like this. I'm extremely excited. I've been wanting to experience something new like this for I don't know how long. It's just...I'm scared. I'm honestly scared. I'm a very dependent person and this is going to pretty much make me grow out of that. And that's something I'm not really looking forward to. I'm not looking forward to doing everything for myself and doing everything on my own. I always like to have at least one person on my side just in case. It's a comfort thing for me. My biggest fear is to be alone in a crowd. And that's exactly what's going to happen when my parents leave me there. :(

I just really really want to grow from this. I just don't want to go through the process. Aha.

I don't know. I'm babbling.

They have a whole itinerary full of things we're supposed to be doing. Hopefully I make at least a few friends that I can share everything. It's going to be extremely weird making new friends out of strangers. That's not something I'm good at since I don't normally do it. Shew. I need to go to bed.

I love Wesley. <3

Happy One Year Anniversary to ME!!

I love how on "Live Above the Influence" commercials portray potheads as really giving people. Ahaha. Like, everytime I see one, they're always offering a joint, blunt, whatever. See, in my own experience, potheads are usually greedy mofos. They are the LAST people to share ANYTHING let alone weed. I mean, they used to conjure up plans on how to exclude people without them knowing. I don't know... I just find it ironic.
( p.s. I'm not really proud of knowing these facts. )


So, this is the first happy blog entry that I've had in a very long time. It has been an entire year that me and the Wesman have been dating. Thank you, thank you. I actually am not surprised that we have lasted this long. It hasn't even felt like a year to me. I have always felt this close to him. I have always loved him just as much as I do now. The thing that has surprised me is that we're still in the "newlywed" stage. We're still cuddly and loving. We still talk baby talk to each other and everything. It's really sweet. I love the pooey out of him and I am confident that he feels the same. That says A LOT. I've experienced a relationship before that has lasted the same amount of time but in the end, didn't even amount to what I have now. It's incredible. I wish everyone could have what I do. I really do. Everyone in the world deserves their other half that brings them imense happiness. Why should I be the only one? :]

This morning actually scared me a lot. Wesley woke me up and started talking to me. All of a sudden he says, "I really want to talk to you about something that's been bothering me. I really need you to be my rock right now." He basically ended up telling me that the way our relationship was playing out wasn't good for him. The dynamics weren't the one he was desiring at this point. It really broke my heart. To me, that's just how I am in relationships. I'm showing you my love and that's it. If you don't like it, find the "right" relationship somewhere else. I honestly thought that it was the beginning of the end.

Fortunately (yet at the same time unfortunately), it was just a cry for help. He held deep within him a bigger issue that he didn't know was bothering him. I brought out of him what was truly bothering him. I wasn't about to give up something that was so incredibly important to me.

Coincidence showed me that it was the same thing that was bothering me the day before. We were both dealing with ex's that missed us who broke our hearts.

I'm not really going to discuss details only for the fact that I respect his privacy. I know that he really wouldn't like me spilling the beans over the internet.

In the end, we became closer then ever. We said goodbye to our demons and forever rid ourselves of them. It was such a relief. We're so much better off. We're better than all of that.

A whole year's worth of love renewed.

I have never been this happy with another person in my life. Everyone who has ever encountered me knows our story and how in love we are. I hope it stays that way forever.

That's what I'm planning for.

Me and Jamie have been becoming closer then ever. I felt once school let out, we fell out of touch. It was most likely my fault but I felt horrible. After I lost her, I felt like I had no friends but Wes. Everyone needs a best-girl-friend. Well, every girl does. We've been really good friends since 8th grade but this year we've really become close. I know she thinks once I leave for college, we're done. It's not true. I can't lose someone that valuable to me. She's actually really helped me with the whole Josh dibactle. That really meant something to me. I just want her to know I love her and I don't want to lose her. Since I know she's probably reading this.

Janaye is seriously a wonderful person. I have never really sat down and had a serious conversation before the bowling alley. We sat there waiting for Jamie and Taylor to show up just talking our head off about everything. It eventually ended up in talking about our belief systems. She actually showed me alot of falisies with my own beliefs and I realized how much our thinking matches up. It was awesome. It really made me like her a lot and want to keep her around. Ahah. And me and Jamie both agreed that she's really easy to talk to and hang out with. There's never a dull moment with her. As lame as this sounds, I feel like an adult around her. I like it.

Me and Michelle have been hanging out a lot lately. I really like it. I just wish that it would've happened sooner so that we would've had more time to hang out and get to know each other. I see that she has a lot of that high school drama in her life and I feel sorry. She's so much more mature than that. I mean, of course she gets sucked into it but I see her thinking about everything in adult ways. It just sucks that she's still at the stage where her actions speak differently. I really like her because she seems like a really nice person. And as much as she thinks I don't have fun with her, I do. I just hate when people mention my name when I don't care about them or their situations. It annoys me. (Not talking about Michelle but her friends)

Plus, I like being able to constantly talk about my past with someone who isn't completely annoyed by it. Because, as much as I try, I can't let go of my past. I like that she listens and contributes to our conversations.

I'm really scared to go to college.

First Blog.

Where were you when everything fell apart?


Well, first off, thank you Jamie for helping me establish my blog. I like my final product.
Unfortunately, I have something on my mind that's bothering me enough to write about.



I just want to know what he wants. What possesses him to text me? To talk about me like he misses me? To still think about me? I'm curious.
A part of me wants to continue talking to him to get the point. The answer to my questions.
Another part of me just wants him to go away. He's hurt me so much. Why should I give him another opportunity to do so? Why should I jeopardize a relationship that's so loving and fulfilling just for a few answers?
Curiosity killed the cat my friend. It's sure on it's way to getting me.

Where was he when I was shattered? When I was using drugs to fill the hole in my heart? When I had no one?
He was the one forcing me into a path I didn't want to go. He was the one passing me the joint. He was the one leaving me. He was the one changing who I am for forever. Leaving me with pieces to a soul that will never fit together again.

You know who was there to pick up those pieces? Do you know who took my heart and made it whole again? The kid who's laying on my couch sleeping all his worries away. The kid who finally helped me regain who I thought I could never be again. Wesley Dearman. He and Jamie made me realize that what he had to say was unimportant. He would've said it sooner if it even mattered. But even so, I'm not going to be there to listen to it. He can bother someone else because my life is fulfilled. What we had is in the past. That's it. It will no longer be my future or affect me because the only person possessing that power is Wesley. I'm glad for that. I truly believe that my heart is in good hands.

So, now I feel relieved. To know that I no longer need answers. I don't care. Do you hear that Josh Kay? I don't care.

I seriously could not ask for a better boyfriend or best friend.