http://protestsociety.tumblr.com/

i just want to feel like an adult already

First, they put away the dealers. Then, they put away the prostitutes. Then, they shoot away the bums and beat and bash the queers. Turned away asylum-seekers. Fed us suspicions and fears. We didn't raise our voice. We didn't make a fuss. It's funny, there was no one left to notice when they came for us. Silence only makes them stronger.

The Chase

I try so hard not to look as pathetic as I feel.

I am so excited! Everything is just falling perfectly into place. It’s amazing!

I just had a really horrible dream. I know it’s significant. I always have dreams that I can feel in my bones it means something. I wish I had a dream interpreter when things like this happen to me. When I actually do sleep and have a dream, I feel like someone is trying to tell me something.

Anyways, this dream made me feel so alone. It was depressing. I’m actually still affected by it even though I am awake. I dreamt that I went back to Montreat but I was alone. I would keep trying to get together with my old friends but they were all over the place and nothing was familiar anymore. The ones I did actually get back in touch with, were not for long. I even bought a playstation and beat a kid because he kept trying to ruin it. At the end of the thing, I was having lunch with my parents, crying  because of how horrible everything is. It’s so scarily weird because when I do go back to Montreat, everything is going to be different since I believed I wasn’t going back there. (Well, not really. Deep down inside I knew I was meant to be there.)  Either way, it just really worried and affected me in a way I can’t describe because seriously, those girls are my life. I even feel like I am missing something here at home. It’s so sad how I felt like I met my life-partners there. It’s even more sad that dreams where I lose them affect me as much as they have. :(

 

I don’t even know what to think anymore.

i hate her fucking face.

i hate her stupid name.

i wish she never even existed to me

or you.

i wish i could forget

yeah, i forgave but why can't i just forget?

the decision you made still haunts me.

i still think about it.

how could you?

i still have doubts in my mind every now and then

yeah, you love me but...

didn't you love me then too?

sometimes it just gets to me

that all this went wrong

and i have to deal with it

while you got off easy.

i just wish you knew how i feel

and how that still affects me.

i just want to get this off my chest.

The Game

Why do I find it completely repulsive when guys hit on me over the internet? Like... dude, I have never met you nor do I intend to; especially after this. I guess I'm just old fashioned thinking that it's better to actually meet someone in person FIRST. The internet isn't my freaking life dude nor do I plan to make it. I am a compulsive Montreat Mail checker and whatnot. Not my fault.

OH, and another thing, do you people not see that I am very happily taken? I try to post that crap everywhere and creepers are still out there creeping.

p.s. this only happens once in a blue moon. Trust me, I'm not as hot as it sounds.

Anyways, so I guess I'm not as helpless lately. Or maybe I hide it well... who knows?

I am just getting better about handling my emotions. The only thing that really bothers me nowadays is the fact that I CANNOT get music theory for my life. It is very hard for me to admit I need help and get tutored. That I have been doing (very big deal) and it's still not working. I just don't get it and it breaks my heart. I cry about once a day about it but it's okay. It's not the end of the world. Usually my friends cheer me up anyway. They're always so happy to see me. :D Loves it.

Did you know they started quoting me when I'm not there? How cute!!!

They're such cute babygirls.

There are a few people here that I want to seriously maim. They anger me to the point I can't stand it. Their ignorance is unbearable. It's seriously surprising.

Speaking of surprises, I really enjoy my New Testament class. Let alone are all of my friends in there but it's so wonderful to get an intelligent conversation going about the Bible. Especially since I'm not well educated in that area while everyone else is. It makes me feel inferior at times but it's okay. MC makes everything better. Ahaha.

Well this is a lame entry that I really shouldn't be writing. I just felt like getting that little rant out about this creeper. I wish I looked older.

It’s the end of the world as we know it…

I really feel like I have just given up. The other day in choir, my teacher was talking after prayer about how he can see that this is the second semester and people have already given up. I am definitely one of those people. He was talking about how we need to persevere through everything and keep that momentum we had in the beginning. For me, that’s really hard to do. Like I said before, I feel like I have just given up and there’s no turning back from this.

I just don’t feel like doing much of anything anymore. I have homework that has been piling up for days, so many things that are expected of me and I do none of it. Well, I guess I kind of do some of it half-assed only because I know it NEEDS to be done. It’s just, I don’t have the zest I used to have coming here. I still like the place and people, my attitude towards school in general is not the same. I keep trying to talk to people about it but it never comes out right. I try talking to Wesley but he is always having his own problems nowadays and nothing matters but that. It’s whatever. I feel like that part of my life is falling through too but that’s a whole new tangent I just don’t feel like going on.

I just don’t feel anything anymore. I am completely apathetic to everything.

Everyone thinks it’s a bad thing. I’m a little worried about it but at the same time, who cares? 

I’ll savor every moment of this.

I’m really relaxed right now. I’m really liking how things are finally looking up. I’m heading back to Montreat tomorrow and I’m excited. I’m excited to see all my friends again. Excited to finally be able to do something. I’m excited to stuff my small brain with some more information. Plus, I like the freedom I have there. In Morganton I feel trapped. Physically and emotionally. I swear if it wasn’t for Wes, I’d probably never come back here. I love hanging out with him.

I found some old CDs in Chris’ room while I was looking for… something. I don’t remember. I guess I got sidetracked. Anyways, I’m listening to them right now and they’re making me really happy. That’s highly unusual because most of the time when I hear old songs they trigger a memory that makes me miss it so much, I wish I was there and I get sad. Instead… this time… I’m happy. I’m happy I got to experience that and that there’s more experiences in the future. I don’t know, I guess I’m just full of life today. The sun’s shining, it’s warmer but still crisp outside. Good music’s playing. No worries. No stress. Me and Madii are friends again. (super happy about that one on numerous levels) I’m just feeling really good. I think I’m finally finding ways to be happy and recovering. :)

Hope this lasts.

Just a really good day. Really, really good day.

Gym, tanning, laundry

I seriously effing love the Jersey Shore!!!! Both the show and the actual place! Ahah.

Dude, I swear to God I've never laughed so hard at a show. It's hilarious because it's all so true! I've been there and done that and these people just make it so hilarious. The things they do and the stuff they say, I just can't get over it. The one guy called the girl a trashbag. The other said she doesn't eat lobsters because they're alive when you kill it! They all are guidos and guidettes (sorry if I spelled that wrong). I just can't get over any of it. I am officially obsessed. I swear JWOWW is my girl! She's the baddest bitch on the show and I love her. I'm going to get a shirt this summer when I go to Jersey that says, "JWOWW is the shit." Loves it. If you haven't seen the show, please, watch it

On a more serious note, the show really makes me miss the actual place. I've been going to Wildwood since I was a little kid and I've always loved it. There's so much to do. It's so much fun and it never ever gets old. It's like a fond memory you always get to visit. Last year Wes went with me and it was awesome. It COULD NOT have gotten any better. It was the best and really was a dream come true. We got to bike ride everywhere and my favorite was when we rode to the ice cream place. We got a cone, ate it. I broke my bike so he took it and I rode his. It was awesome. We watched the sunset. We swam in the bay 24/7. He took me out on the canoe. We walked to sunset lake. We walked the boards. It was amazing. I really hope it happens all again this summer. I miss it so much.
So yeah, just a random blog. Had to get it off my chest since Wes isn't here to hear me ranting. :)

Don’t let it burn.

Oh blogspot, why do you call my name at every corner? I wish I could ignore you like the feelings that are seeping through the seems. If only there was something I could do to keep my mind off things like everyone else. Instead, I don’t. My mind is racing with thoughts that I wish would just go away. I wish… I wish… I wish…

I wish I could just go back to Montreat and everything be normal like it used to be.

I wish I started the new year better.

I wish I wasn’t here.

I wish Wes would actually be there.

I wish I that I actually had a good way of dealing with my feelings instead of ignoring them.

I wish I didn’t push people away only because I don’t know what else to do. I don’t want to involve them in my pathetic life.

I wish I didn’t feel so inadequate.

I wish I didn’t have to buy things to make myself happy.

I wish I could drive instead of having a phobia.

I wish I had freedom that comes with driving.

I wish I wasn’t getting so fat.

I wish I had piercings: one on my cheek like Missy, two piercings on the left side of my lip, and industrial bars in both of my ears.

I wish I didn’t feel the need to impress everyone.

I wish I could just be me instead of pretending to be something I’m not.

I wish I actually liked people instead of finding a flaw in everyone.

I wish I had more then Wes to depend on.

I wish I didn’t feel the need to put everyone down just so I feel better.

I wish I could just ignore all of these feelings. Just put them in a vault so they could go away forever.

I wish, I wish, I wish.

I just want to feel adequate in my own skin so I could just LIVE MY LIFE.

Instead I sit here, overanalyze everything, and post blogs just to feel important.

 

I wish I could sleep forever.

D S

I started thinking about it the other day. What you did to me. Whether you know it or not, you severely impacted my life. More bad then good but that just shows the person you are. You accuse me of being something to not be proud of but have you ever seriously looked at yourself? Look at what you've done? Not only to me but to everyone else. You've told people you've changed for the better but honestly? I don't believe it for a second. I've heard it all before. It was always the thing to come out of your mouth. You say you can't get over what I've done to you in the past. There's too much for me to get over. Too much there. I hate to admit it but I was depressed. I wanted to die then. Why? Because of you and the puppets you used against me. Yes, I did things wrong but I didn't deserve half of what you dished out. I was watching a show yesterday about Teenage Girls Today. Of course I'm not included because I'm considered an adult. But man, did it still remind me of all those days. There were a lot of good ones. Although, the main ones that stick out to me are the bad ones. The ones that you caused. They talked about a whole new level of harassment that never goes away. I experienced it. I got tons of physical and mental hits. I still have mental scars. The most impressionable years and you took away one of them. All over a stupid boy that was just going to break your heart anyway. He was a manipulator that manipulated us both. I keep telling myself I'm thankful you taught me a lesson. In retrospect, I don't thank you. I resent it all. You said you forgave me but always threw it in my face. I'm glad we're not friends anymore. Really glad.
Then why?
Why all of a sudden?
Why do you haunt my dreams?

Hey Man, Nice Shot

I seriously just got so mad over a few words spoken by a used-to-be-good friend.

There's nothing to be "better then."

"I'm better then that."

Different people do different things to cope with life and/or problems. Just because they use drugs to deal with it, doesn't make them a bad person. I hate ignorant people. I hate people who have grown up in a bubble all their lives and then decide it's okay to judge something they've never experienced. Trust me, I've been there and done that. A person is still a person no matter what they do. THEY'RE A HUMAN BEING. ARE YOU BETTER THEN A HUMAN BEING?

If you seriously have no idea what I'm talking about (mostly because you haven't been there) watch Intervention. It's the only other thing that truly shows you the inner being of a crackhead, anorexic, heroin addict, etc. There's reasons for people to act the way they do. I believe that it's the experiences they encountered that motivates them. Am I a bad person because I did drugs in the past? Am I a bad person because I still associate with people who still do? Are you really better then me? NO, you're not. I just feel personally attacked by that statement.

Don't make a generalization like that until you really KNOW. And even then it's not okay but I'll let it slide. It's so sad to see people... to see people say things like that. They'll never know.

They'll never know the demons. They'll never know how hard it is. They'll never know anything about anything until they truly open their eyes.

I wish I could open people's eyes.

I wish I could even see better.

F*ck this. F*ck that statement. F*ck it all.

I just cruised around blogspot for a minute and I've checked out a lot of blogs.

They are soooo much more interesting then my little dinky thing. People have so much more of a.... life then I do. There's so much more out in the world then my lame bubble. I keep forgetting this. Sometimes you just have to step out of your own realm of reality and see how big the world actually is. I watched that one movie called Earth. Wow. That movie was incredibly awe-inspiring. It brought to my attention how immense this universe actually is. Like, there's places outside of the U.S. There's things bigger than your house. I don't know how to explain it. It's hard. You just have to feel it to understand. I wish I could go outside and enjoy life more often. Instead I suffer from laziness and apathy. I just don't care. Or, on the other hand, I care too much. It's one or the other extreme.

I also read this book named "Our Town" by Thornton Wilder. Only reason I remembered all of this is because I've had to write multiple essays on it. My point here is that Wilder brought to the table a second opinion. He said in so many words that the simple things in life are actually the important ones. Those are the things that should be cherished. The everyday monotonous routine that we all complain of, that's where it's at.

I agree but I don't.

Like I said before; step out of the bubble.

I don't think you should hate your life though.

I'm always switching sides. I'm like a swinger. Aha.

I don't know. I guess I just write in this thing, not to show the world what I have to say (even though that's slightly it too), but to keep myself sane. These are the words that never seem to be able to come out when I'm talking. The words that swirl around in my head with no point until I type them (and even then they seem kind of jumbled). Who knows? The human mind is a tricky thing. If it doesn't tell the rest of the body what to do, you're dead.

There for you

Sometimes I'm a selfish fake
You're always a true friend
I don't deserve you
'Cause I'm not there for you
Though I wish I would be

I wanna be there for you
And be someone you can come to

Swirling shades of blue
Slow dancing in your sky
The sun kisses the earth
And I hush my urge to cry

'Cause I hear the whispered words
In your masterpiece beautiful
You speak the unspeakable through
I love you too

I wanna be there for you
And be someone you can come to

I wanna be there for you
And be someone you can come to
The love runs deeper than my bones
You're beautiful don't you know?

FLYLEAF

I'm so tired of singing. I'm so tired of singing when all it does is break my heart.

Everyone's just always trying to "help" but all it does is break my heart. I'm so sick of it, I don't want to do it anymore. I'm never going to be good enough to do what I want. I'm never going to be able to do what they want me to do.

It's so hard to hear that you can't do something that's like, your soul.

I've always put up a wall when it comes to things so that if they hated me, they really didn't.

But this... this is me. This is my best... and it stinks.

Everyone wants to hear me sing. Everyone wants me to do better. I just want to give up.

I knew I wasn't going to get the solo. I knew it. But somehow, there was still hope in my heart.

Somehow that just slipped right in to be crushed.

It's so incredibly hard to lay yourself out there to be criticized.

I don't want to do it anymore. It's so bad that when Wes asks me to sing for him, I can't.

When I ride in the car and hear my favorite song, I can't.

I can't do it anymore. I've been broken down and I'm not the kind of person to build from that.

That's the last thing I'll do. I breakdown and quit.

I can't quit though. Everything I do in college, I have to sing. I CAN'T ANYMORE.

How can you tell me I'm not good enough but still expect me to do it?

Then, everyone else tells me I'm so good. STOP LYING. I already hear the truth.

You know, there's girls who go up there and completely suck yet nothing is said to them but when I go up, here's a whole rant about what YOU did wrong. I'm tired of it.

I just want everyone to shut up. I just want to do something that everyone thinks I'm good at. This definitely isn't it. DEFINITELY.

And then they have the gall to ask me why I praise Lacy and wish I could sing like her when I have such a "beautiful" voice. Come on...

Wes and my dad have been trying to help me for so long but there's only so much you can do without someone who's already given up on themselves.

I love them and thank them for what they've said but I'm just done...

And now I don't even want to go back to Montreat. DREADING going back to Montreat because I know I'm going to have to go through all of this.

Man, I woke up feeling depressed and this only made it worse.

Sometimes when this place gets empty...

I really don't like having an empty house. It's weird nowadays having everyone "all grown up" and gone from home. Having Thanksgiving today made me realize how old I really am. It made me realize how much everything's not going to be the way it used to be. I remember how these days were FILLED with tons of people packed into little kitchens. Everyone shouting and having conversations. All the women gossiping and all the men watching TV. I miss it all. Thanksgiving will never be the same until I have my own big family. Trust me. I cannot wait until I have a family of my own. Now that this one has dissipated, I have to create my own. I just can't wait till I'm thirty, have a handle on bills and whatnot, have kids of all ages, and a husband who loves and supports me. That's when I will feel complete again.

I'm really glad my brother's friends/girlfriend came over. They gave me the amount of people to make me comfortable. We all played board games which was fun and it made it feel like home which it normally doesn't anymore. Thanksgiving dinner was really good, I just didn't like the way my dad was treating my mom. They fight too often nowadays. It really worries me and puts an even bigger rift in such a small company. It breaks my heart.

I just don't like everyone gone. It makes me sad. I miss Chris most of all. Definitely. He was like my 3rd half. A day filled with him and Wes made my life complete. I LOVED driving around town, blasting his gay techno music, and singing our hearts out. It didn't matter the destination, just driving around was fun to me. Plus, where ever you go with Chris, he makes it fun. He's the only one that got me and actually made fun of people in my league. Well actually, I had to keep up with him. Ahah. He was the only one that we could throw total bitch fits and the next minute just swallow it and move on to have fun. I made a playlist of songs that reminds me of him. It's sad, I know. I miss just being able to rant and rave to him when I'm mad and he understood and bitched with me. It really hurt that he thought I was just using him for a ride. It hurt because I knew how much I enjoyed his company but didn't have the guts to say anything. I really wish he was still here. He's in Philadelphia now though and I bet he's the happiest person. I'm happy for him. I guess just him not being here makes the house feel empty. Really empty. Just having him sit next to me watching TV made me not feel alone. And I miss his crazy ass friends he brought home. Kirkle was the cutest gay kid ever! Him and Chris together was the perfect couple ever. (Not in a gay way, a friend way) I mean, come on. We were born together. I've had him next to my side since the beginning of my time. It's hard to not have that comfort anymore. I might have complained about it in the beginning but now I have trouble going on without it. It hurts I miss him so much. :(

I guess I just feel really alone right now. I can't stand it. If you knew me at all, you would know I don't like feeling this way. It's hard for me to move on. I don't like change simply because of these feelings.

I wish Wes would call.

Sour Girl

I am so scared to go back to school. I've had a complete week to myself, laying in bed, being waited on hand and foot. Don't get me wrong. It did come with a price. I felt horrible the entire time and couldn't be awake for any significant amount of time. When I was awake though, all I could think about is how much work is building up back at college. How am I ever going to catch up? I just got to the point where I had everything under control again. Not anymore. I just need to go back with my head up and a will that is strong. I just know there is going to be one teacher who will give me hell for not being there. (Sigh) We'll see...

You know, Wes and me have been fighting A LOT lately. More than normal. It's really getting to me. Because, when I'm around him, I just want him to stop. I can't be without him though. It's ridiculous. He left a couple of hours ago and even though he made most of my weekend miserable, I want him back. He's so cute when he sleeps. His lips pout out and his eyelashes stick together. (He has the most beautiful eyelashes too. Why were they wasted on a guy?) And he's just so at peace. The second he wakes up though, his face looks like he's in total torment. It gets to me. He tells me repeatedly how much I annoy him and whatnot. I'm wondering what's keeping him around. He hates me so much but for some reason he stays. We're having the same problems I've had with Reece. I'm just a TERRIBLE girlfriend. But at the moment of doing these "wretched" thing, I don't see it. I don't get what I'm doing so horrible wrong. I just don't know anymore. Now I'm going to have to go back to arguments on the phone which are so much more worse then arguments in person. (Sigh again)

And I feel like I'm getting sick again. I think I got what my brother's girlfriend has. It's killing me because I was JUST feeling healthy again. :(

I can't win.

Today isn't my day and I have a feeling this week isn't going to be any good either.

I just hope God's on my side and keeps me strong through all the nonsense.

Idle hands invite the devil. (or something like that)

Oh how completely bored I am.

I wish I could be like Thornton Wilder and give a mystic significance to the smaller things in life.

What a nerd I have become.

I have been battling myself lately. I feel like I've been brainwashed.

I'm trying to decide whether I want to strengthen my relationship with God because I want to or because everyone else around me already has one. I feel like if I have that personal relationship with him, which is a unique characteristic of the Christian God, then I will have purpose in life. I will feel fulfilled instead of just... well... nothing. I feel like everything I do is for nothing. I mean, I guess in some people's eyes I'm doing something with my life. I'm in college, studying a subject I "love," and moving on. But am I really?

I wish I could think straight instead of ignoring that pain in my side and figure it all out.

I've always believed in God, I just never thought he had any control over my life. I always believed he was a "watchmaker." He made the world and now is watching it do whatever it does.

But in the Bible it talks of all these stories of how God communicated with us lowly humans.

But seriously, if those stories happened in our time, would you believe them?

If the Bible came about in our time instead of centuries ago, could you believe it was really happening?

Right now I am studying the Old Testament and it talks about how the People of God struggled following him since he freed them from Egypt. Well, the first generation, you're just stupid. He showed his own miracles and did many wondrous things right in front of you. But what if you were the later generations? The ones in Judah or Israel? The ones that never had a personal experience with God? Instead, only knows the rules of the culture surrounding them and the few words of a "prophet." I mean, today, if someone came up to you and told you to do everything against what our society believes because some mysterious being told him so, would you do it? I know I wouldn't. I'd call him crazy and put him in the looney bin.

One prophet, I think it was Isaiah (don't hold me to it), walked around the gates, completely naked talking of future comings. If you saw someone like that today, would you listen to him?

Like everyone says however, it's all faith. You have to BELIEVE the words of God are in the Bible. You have to have FAITH.

Is it so bad that I was brought up in a society where they only believed what they saw, and I followed them? These concepts are hard for me to grasp.

I'm not atheist or anything like that. I DO BELIEVE IN GOD. I just question things people around me don't. And I don't have anyone to talk to about it because NO ONE has the answers. It's all based on faith.

I kind of wish I had faith. Blind, ignorant faith.

Someone once asked me if I believed in God because I was afraid to go to hell or because I actually believed in him.

That's a serious question to ponder upon. I mean... really.

Of course you're going to be afraid to go to hell. I mean, it's hell. Should that be the only reason you follow God though?

Another question:

If God created and controls everything, why is there evil?

The answer they gave me says that God uses good and evil to do good works and accomplish good things. For some reason, that's not good enough for me.

How can Satan wage war for humans against God if God is all powerful?

What a conundrum my friends.

I'm not saying these things are wrong or someone should question what they believe in,

it's just things I question myself. I don't want to follow something blindly. I want to be educated.

These things intrigue me. I wish there was a serious job for this kind of stuff.

Mind you, I said serious.

Well, that's my boredom entry for you.