Sunday, July 25, 2010
Posted by Ashley at 6:35 PM 0 comments
Sunday, July 11, 2010
Thursday, July 8, 2010
First, they put away the dealers. Then, they put away the prostitutes. Then, they shoot away the bums and beat and bash the queers. Turned away asylum-seekers. Fed us suspicions and fears. We didn't raise our voice. We didn't make a fuss. It's funny, there was no one left to notice when they came for us. Silence only makes them stronger.
Posted by Ashley at 1:01 PM 0 comments
Saturday, June 19, 2010
Friday, June 11, 2010
I am so excited! Everything is just falling perfectly into place. It’s amazing!
Posted by Ashley at 11:12 AM 0 comments
Tuesday, June 1, 2010
I just had a really horrible dream. I know it’s significant. I always have dreams that I can feel in my bones it means something. I wish I had a dream interpreter when things like this happen to me. When I actually do sleep and have a dream, I feel like someone is trying to tell me something.
Anyways, this dream made me feel so alone. It was depressing. I’m actually still affected by it even though I am awake. I dreamt that I went back to Montreat but I was alone. I would keep trying to get together with my old friends but they were all over the place and nothing was familiar anymore. The ones I did actually get back in touch with, were not for long. I even bought a playstation and beat a kid because he kept trying to ruin it. At the end of the thing, I was having lunch with my parents, crying because of how horrible everything is. It’s so scarily weird because when I do go back to Montreat, everything is going to be different since I believed I wasn’t going back there. (Well, not really. Deep down inside I knew I was meant to be there.) Either way, it just really worried and affected me in a way I can’t describe because seriously, those girls are my life. I even feel like I am missing something here at home. It’s so sad how I felt like I met my life-partners there. It’s even more sad that dreams where I lose them affect me as much as they have. :(
I don’t even know what to think anymore.
Posted by Ashley at 9:34 AM 0 comments
Sunday, May 16, 2010
i hate her fucking face.
Posted by Ashley at 3:05 PM 0 comments
Tuesday, February 16, 2010
The Game
Why do I find it completely repulsive when guys hit on me over the internet? Like... dude, I have never met you nor do I intend to; especially after this. I guess I'm just old fashioned thinking that it's better to actually meet someone in person FIRST. The internet isn't my freaking life dude nor do I plan to make it. I am a compulsive Montreat Mail checker and whatnot. Not my fault.
Posted by Ashley at 4:16 PM 0 comments
Tuesday, February 9, 2010
It’s the end of the world as we know it…
I really feel like I have just given up. The other day in choir, my teacher was talking after prayer about how he can see that this is the second semester and people have already given up. I am definitely one of those people. He was talking about how we need to persevere through everything and keep that momentum we had in the beginning. For me, that’s really hard to do. Like I said before, I feel like I have just given up and there’s no turning back from this.
I just don’t feel like doing much of anything anymore. I have homework that has been piling up for days, so many things that are expected of me and I do none of it. Well, I guess I kind of do some of it half-assed only because I know it NEEDS to be done. It’s just, I don’t have the zest I used to have coming here. I still like the place and people, my attitude towards school in general is not the same. I keep trying to talk to people about it but it never comes out right. I try talking to Wesley but he is always having his own problems nowadays and nothing matters but that. It’s whatever. I feel like that part of my life is falling through too but that’s a whole new tangent I just don’t feel like going on.
I just don’t feel anything anymore. I am completely apathetic to everything.
Everyone thinks it’s a bad thing. I’m a little worried about it but at the same time, who cares?
Posted by Ashley at 4:17 PM 0 comments
Monday, January 18, 2010
I’ll savor every moment of this.
I’m really relaxed right now. I’m really liking how things are finally looking up. I’m heading back to Montreat tomorrow and I’m excited. I’m excited to see all my friends again. Excited to finally be able to do something. I’m excited to stuff my small brain with some more information. Plus, I like the freedom I have there. In Morganton I feel trapped. Physically and emotionally. I swear if it wasn’t for Wes, I’d probably never come back here. I love hanging out with him.
I found some old CDs in Chris’ room while I was looking for… something. I don’t remember. I guess I got sidetracked. Anyways, I’m listening to them right now and they’re making me really happy. That’s highly unusual because most of the time when I hear old songs they trigger a memory that makes me miss it so much, I wish I was there and I get sad. Instead… this time… I’m happy. I’m happy I got to experience that and that there’s more experiences in the future. I don’t know, I guess I’m just full of life today. The sun’s shining, it’s warmer but still crisp outside. Good music’s playing. No worries. No stress. Me and Madii are friends again. (super happy about that one on numerous levels) I’m just feeling really good. I think I’m finally finding ways to be happy and recovering. :)
Hope this lasts.
Just a really good day. Really, really good day.
Posted by Ashley at 1:53 PM 0 comments
Tuesday, January 12, 2010
Gym, tanning, laundry
I seriously effing love the Jersey Shore!!!! Both the show and the actual place! Ahah.
Dude, I swear to God I've never laughed so hard at a show. It's hilarious because it's all so true! I've been there and done that and these people just make it so hilarious. The things they do and the stuff they say, I just can't get over it. The one guy called the girl a trashbag. The other said she doesn't eat lobsters because they're alive when you kill it! They all are guidos and guidettes (sorry if I spelled that wrong). I just can't get over any of it. I am officially obsessed. I swear JWOWW is my girl! She's the baddest bitch on the show and I love her. I'm going to get a shirt this summer when I go to Jersey that says, "JWOWW is the shit." Loves it. If you haven't seen the show, please, watch it
On a more serious note, the show really makes me miss the actual place. I've been going to Wildwood since I was a little kid and I've always loved it. There's so much to do. It's so much fun and it never ever gets old. It's like a fond memory you always get to visit. Last year Wes went with me and it was awesome. It COULD NOT have gotten any better. It was the best and really was a dream come true. We got to bike ride everywhere and my favorite was when we rode to the ice cream place. We got a cone, ate it. I broke my bike so he took it and I rode his. It was awesome. We watched the sunset. We swam in the bay 24/7. He took me out on the canoe. We walked to sunset lake. We walked the boards. It was amazing. I really hope it happens all again this summer. I miss it so much.
So yeah, just a random blog. Had to get it off my chest since Wes isn't here to hear me ranting. :)
Posted by Ashley at 4:08 PM 0 comments
Sunday, January 3, 2010
Don’t let it burn.
Oh blogspot, why do you call my name at every corner? I wish I could ignore you like the feelings that are seeping through the seems. If only there was something I could do to keep my mind off things like everyone else. Instead, I don’t. My mind is racing with thoughts that I wish would just go away. I wish… I wish… I wish…
I wish I could just go back to Montreat and everything be normal like it used to be.
I wish I started the new year better.
I wish I wasn’t here.
I wish Wes would actually be there.
I wish I that I actually had a good way of dealing with my feelings instead of ignoring them.
I wish I didn’t push people away only because I don’t know what else to do. I don’t want to involve them in my pathetic life.
I wish I didn’t feel so inadequate.
I wish I didn’t have to buy things to make myself happy.
I wish I could drive instead of having a phobia.
I wish I had freedom that comes with driving.
I wish I wasn’t getting so fat.
I wish I had piercings: one on my cheek like Missy, two piercings on the left side of my lip, and industrial bars in both of my ears.
I wish I didn’t feel the need to impress everyone.
I wish I could just be me instead of pretending to be something I’m not.
I wish I actually liked people instead of finding a flaw in everyone.
I wish I had more then Wes to depend on.
I wish I didn’t feel the need to put everyone down just so I feel better.
I wish I could just ignore all of these feelings. Just put them in a vault so they could go away forever.
I wish, I wish, I wish.
I just want to feel adequate in my own skin so I could just LIVE MY LIFE.
Instead I sit here, overanalyze everything, and post blogs just to feel important.
I wish I could sleep forever.
Posted by Ashley at 1:08 PM 0 comments
Thursday, December 31, 2009
D S
I started thinking about it the other day. What you did to me. Whether you know it or not, you severely impacted my life. More bad then good but that just shows the person you are. You accuse me of being something to not be proud of but have you ever seriously looked at yourself? Look at what you've done? Not only to me but to everyone else. You've told people you've changed for the better but honestly? I don't believe it for a second. I've heard it all before. It was always the thing to come out of your mouth. You say you can't get over what I've done to you in the past. There's too much for me to get over. Too much there. I hate to admit it but I was depressed. I wanted to die then. Why? Because of you and the puppets you used against me. Yes, I did things wrong but I didn't deserve half of what you dished out. I was watching a show yesterday about Teenage Girls Today. Of course I'm not included because I'm considered an adult. But man, did it still remind me of all those days. There were a lot of good ones. Although, the main ones that stick out to me are the bad ones. The ones that you caused. They talked about a whole new level of harassment that never goes away. I experienced it. I got tons of physical and mental hits. I still have mental scars. The most impressionable years and you took away one of them. All over a stupid boy that was just going to break your heart anyway. He was a manipulator that manipulated us both. I keep telling myself I'm thankful you taught me a lesson. In retrospect, I don't thank you. I resent it all. You said you forgave me but always threw it in my face. I'm glad we're not friends anymore. Really glad.
Then why?
Why all of a sudden?
Why do you haunt my dreams?
Posted by Ashley at 5:30 PM 0 comments
Monday, December 28, 2009
Hey Man, Nice Shot
I seriously just got so mad over a few words spoken by a used-to-be-good friend.
Posted by Ashley at 2:55 PM 0 comments
Thursday, December 24, 2009
I just cruised around blogspot for a minute and I've checked out a lot of blogs.
Posted by Ashley at 7:30 PM 0 comments
There for you
Sometimes I'm a selfish fake
You're always a true friend
I don't deserve you
'Cause I'm not there for you
Though I wish I would be
I wanna be there for you
And be someone you can come to
Swirling shades of blue
Slow dancing in your sky
The sun kisses the earth
And I hush my urge to cry
'Cause I hear the whispered words
In your masterpiece beautiful
You speak the unspeakable through
I love you too
I wanna be there for you
And be someone you can come to
I wanna be there for you
And be someone you can come to
The love runs deeper than my bones
You're beautiful don't you know?
FLYLEAF
Posted by Ashley at 7:22 PM 0 comments
Monday, November 30, 2009
I'm so tired of singing. I'm so tired of singing when all it does is break my heart.
Posted by Ashley at 10:23 AM 0 comments
Thursday, November 26, 2009
Sometimes when this place gets empty...
I really don't like having an empty house. It's weird nowadays having everyone "all grown up" and gone from home. Having Thanksgiving today made me realize how old I really am. It made me realize how much everything's not going to be the way it used to be. I remember how these days were FILLED with tons of people packed into little kitchens. Everyone shouting and having conversations. All the women gossiping and all the men watching TV. I miss it all. Thanksgiving will never be the same until I have my own big family. Trust me. I cannot wait until I have a family of my own. Now that this one has dissipated, I have to create my own. I just can't wait till I'm thirty, have a handle on bills and whatnot, have kids of all ages, and a husband who loves and supports me. That's when I will feel complete again.
Posted by Ashley at 8:35 PM 0 comments
Sunday, November 15, 2009
Sour Girl
I am so scared to go back to school. I've had a complete week to myself, laying in bed, being waited on hand and foot. Don't get me wrong. It did come with a price. I felt horrible the entire time and couldn't be awake for any significant amount of time. When I was awake though, all I could think about is how much work is building up back at college. How am I ever going to catch up? I just got to the point where I had everything under control again. Not anymore. I just need to go back with my head up and a will that is strong. I just know there is going to be one teacher who will give me hell for not being there. (Sigh) We'll see...
Posted by Ashley at 2:04 PM 0 comments
Sunday, November 8, 2009
Idle hands invite the devil. (or something like that)
Oh how completely bored I am.
Posted by Ashley at 6:12 PM 0 comments
Tuesday, October 27, 2009
Please, Dear God, save me from this plight of depression.
Posted by Ashley at 4:45 PM 0 comments
Wednesday, October 7, 2009
Olive Garden and Dancing through the Decades.
Posted by Ashley at 6:50 PM 0 comments
Welp
Heller, how ya doing?
Posted by Ashley at 6:25 PM 0 comments
Friday, September 4, 2009
Why do I always look better in pictures?
What a conundrum.
Posted by Ashley at 12:01 PM 0 comments
Sunday, August 23, 2009
Ah, the weekends. Back to dreading "back to school" and living the week waiting for Fridays. It's good to be home but it sucks that it's only for such a short time. I got the break that I absolutely needed but I just wish it lasted sooo much longer. Why tempt me with summer and throw me back to the lions that we call college? I have so much to do and so little effort is being put forth to get it done. I just want to be lazy and honestly, I can't afford to do it. I have papers to write, books to buy, and clothes to wash. All of this and I have soooo many people I want to see and hang out with. I wish I could've went with Michelle to open house, with Jamie to the fair, and finally to church with Janaye. None of that happened and it kind of depresses me. I know that if I don't TRY to keep in touch with all of these people, those relationships will slowly fade away. I don't want even more friendships to be lost. That'd be the last thing I would want.
It's been really nice to hang out with Wes though. I've missed him so much throughout this entire experience. Just sitting at his house, watching tv with him makes me the happiest person alive. I feel so comfortable and loved. :] I hope this lasts forever.
BBL:
Posted by Ashley at 8:51 AM 0 comments
Wednesday, August 19, 2009
Nestled between the Appalachain Mountains...
Why hello there. So, college life has officially began. I have attended two days worth of classes. I'll tell you one thing. I'm stressed and more then sleep deprived. Even so, I am having so much fun. The only things that have really been bothering me is that I don't have the books I need to be prepared for class and I've been neglecting the most amazing person in my life, The Wesman. I miss him so much and he does NOT know how much I am looking forward to coming home this weekend and chilling with him. I need that. To just sit down and relax with him. I have been getting close to no sleep simply for the fact that I just can't do it. I'm becoming an insomniac.
Posted by Ashley at 5:03 PM 0 comments
Tuesday, August 18, 2009
Monday, August 17, 2009
Not everyone likes strawberries...
Posted by Ashley at 4:42 PM 0 comments
Thursday, August 13, 2009
Tonight's gonna be a good, good night.
So, tomorrow's the big day. Well, technically today since it's 1:00. I can't write that much because I'm SUPPOSED to be sleeping since I have to wake up at the butt crack of dawn to get ready.
Posted by Ashley at 9:54 PM 0 comments
Sunday, August 9, 2009
Happy One Year Anniversary to ME!!
I love how on "Live Above the Influence" commercials portray potheads as really giving people. Ahaha. Like, everytime I see one, they're always offering a joint, blunt, whatever. See, in my own experience, potheads are usually greedy mofos. They are the LAST people to share ANYTHING let alone weed. I mean, they used to conjure up plans on how to exclude people without them knowing. I don't know... I just find it ironic.
( p.s. I'm not really proud of knowing these facts. )
So, this is the first happy blog entry that I've had in a very long time. It has been an entire year that me and the Wesman have been dating. Thank you, thank you. I actually am not surprised that we have lasted this long. It hasn't even felt like a year to me. I have always felt this close to him. I have always loved him just as much as I do now. The thing that has surprised me is that we're still in the "newlywed" stage. We're still cuddly and loving. We still talk baby talk to each other and everything. It's really sweet. I love the pooey out of him and I am confident that he feels the same. That says A LOT. I've experienced a relationship before that has lasted the same amount of time but in the end, didn't even amount to what I have now. It's incredible. I wish everyone could have what I do. I really do. Everyone in the world deserves their other half that brings them imense happiness. Why should I be the only one? :]
Me and Jamie have been becoming closer then ever. I felt once school let out, we fell out of touch. It was most likely my fault but I felt horrible. After I lost her, I felt like I had no friends but Wes. Everyone needs a best-girl-friend. Well, every girl does. We've been really good friends since 8th grade but this year we've really become close. I know she thinks once I leave for college, we're done. It's not true. I can't lose someone that valuable to me. She's actually really helped me with the whole Josh dibactle. That really meant something to me. I just want her to know I love her and I don't want to lose her. Since I know she's probably reading this.
Posted by Ashley at 10:23 PM 0 comments
Saturday, August 8, 2009
First Blog.
Where were you when everything fell apart?
Well, first off, thank you Jamie for helping me establish my blog. I like my final product.
Unfortunately, I have something on my mind that's bothering me enough to write about.
I just want to know what he wants. What possesses him to text me? To talk about me like he misses me? To still think about me? I'm curious.
A part of me wants to continue talking to him to get the point. The answer to my questions.
Another part of me just wants him to go away. He's hurt me so much. Why should I give him another opportunity to do so? Why should I jeopardize a relationship that's so loving and fulfilling just for a few answers?
Curiosity killed the cat my friend. It's sure on it's way to getting me.
Where was he when I was shattered? When I was using drugs to fill the hole in my heart? When I had no one?
He was the one forcing me into a path I didn't want to go. He was the one passing me the joint. He was the one leaving me. He was the one changing who I am for forever. Leaving me with pieces to a soul that will never fit together again.
Posted by Ashley at 9:07 AM 0 comments