I’ll savor every moment of this.

I’m really relaxed right now. I’m really liking how things are finally looking up. I’m heading back to Montreat tomorrow and I’m excited. I’m excited to see all my friends again. Excited to finally be able to do something. I’m excited to stuff my small brain with some more information. Plus, I like the freedom I have there. In Morganton I feel trapped. Physically and emotionally. I swear if it wasn’t for Wes, I’d probably never come back here. I love hanging out with him.

I found some old CDs in Chris’ room while I was looking for… something. I don’t remember. I guess I got sidetracked. Anyways, I’m listening to them right now and they’re making me really happy. That’s highly unusual because most of the time when I hear old songs they trigger a memory that makes me miss it so much, I wish I was there and I get sad. Instead… this time… I’m happy. I’m happy I got to experience that and that there’s more experiences in the future. I don’t know, I guess I’m just full of life today. The sun’s shining, it’s warmer but still crisp outside. Good music’s playing. No worries. No stress. Me and Madii are friends again. (super happy about that one on numerous levels) I’m just feeling really good. I think I’m finally finding ways to be happy and recovering. :)

Hope this lasts.

Just a really good day. Really, really good day.

Gym, tanning, laundry

I seriously effing love the Jersey Shore!!!! Both the show and the actual place! Ahah.

Dude, I swear to God I've never laughed so hard at a show. It's hilarious because it's all so true! I've been there and done that and these people just make it so hilarious. The things they do and the stuff they say, I just can't get over it. The one guy called the girl a trashbag. The other said she doesn't eat lobsters because they're alive when you kill it! They all are guidos and guidettes (sorry if I spelled that wrong). I just can't get over any of it. I am officially obsessed. I swear JWOWW is my girl! She's the baddest bitch on the show and I love her. I'm going to get a shirt this summer when I go to Jersey that says, "JWOWW is the shit." Loves it. If you haven't seen the show, please, watch it

On a more serious note, the show really makes me miss the actual place. I've been going to Wildwood since I was a little kid and I've always loved it. There's so much to do. It's so much fun and it never ever gets old. It's like a fond memory you always get to visit. Last year Wes went with me and it was awesome. It COULD NOT have gotten any better. It was the best and really was a dream come true. We got to bike ride everywhere and my favorite was when we rode to the ice cream place. We got a cone, ate it. I broke my bike so he took it and I rode his. It was awesome. We watched the sunset. We swam in the bay 24/7. He took me out on the canoe. We walked to sunset lake. We walked the boards. It was amazing. I really hope it happens all again this summer. I miss it so much.
So yeah, just a random blog. Had to get it off my chest since Wes isn't here to hear me ranting. :)

Don’t let it burn.

Oh blogspot, why do you call my name at every corner? I wish I could ignore you like the feelings that are seeping through the seems. If only there was something I could do to keep my mind off things like everyone else. Instead, I don’t. My mind is racing with thoughts that I wish would just go away. I wish… I wish… I wish…

I wish I could just go back to Montreat and everything be normal like it used to be.

I wish I started the new year better.

I wish I wasn’t here.

I wish Wes would actually be there.

I wish I that I actually had a good way of dealing with my feelings instead of ignoring them.

I wish I didn’t push people away only because I don’t know what else to do. I don’t want to involve them in my pathetic life.

I wish I didn’t feel so inadequate.

I wish I didn’t have to buy things to make myself happy.

I wish I could drive instead of having a phobia.

I wish I had freedom that comes with driving.

I wish I wasn’t getting so fat.

I wish I had piercings: one on my cheek like Missy, two piercings on the left side of my lip, and industrial bars in both of my ears.

I wish I didn’t feel the need to impress everyone.

I wish I could just be me instead of pretending to be something I’m not.

I wish I actually liked people instead of finding a flaw in everyone.

I wish I had more then Wes to depend on.

I wish I didn’t feel the need to put everyone down just so I feel better.

I wish I could just ignore all of these feelings. Just put them in a vault so they could go away forever.

I wish, I wish, I wish.

I just want to feel adequate in my own skin so I could just LIVE MY LIFE.

Instead I sit here, overanalyze everything, and post blogs just to feel important.

 

I wish I could sleep forever.