Ah, the weekends. Back to dreading "back to school" and living the week waiting for Fridays. It's good to be home but it sucks that it's only for such a short time. I got the break that I absolutely needed but I just wish it lasted sooo much longer. Why tempt me with summer and throw me back to the lions that we call college? I have so much to do and so little effort is being put forth to get it done. I just want to be lazy and honestly, I can't afford to do it. I have papers to write, books to buy, and clothes to wash. All of this and I have soooo many people I want to see and hang out with. I wish I could've went with Michelle to open house, with Jamie to the fair, and finally to church with Janaye. None of that happened and it kind of depresses me. I know that if I don't TRY to keep in touch with all of these people, those relationships will slowly fade away. I don't want even more friendships to be lost. That'd be the last thing I would want.
It's been really nice to hang out with Wes though. I've missed him so much throughout this entire experience. Just sitting at his house, watching tv with him makes me the happiest person alive. I feel so comfortable and loved. :] I hope this lasts forever.


BBL:

Nestled between the Appalachain Mountains...

Why hello there. So, college life has officially began. I have attended two days worth of classes. I'll tell you one thing. I'm stressed and more then sleep deprived. Even so, I am having so much fun. The only things that have really been bothering me is that I don't have the books I need to be prepared for class and I've been neglecting the most amazing person in my life, The Wesman. I miss him so much and he does NOT know how much I am looking forward to coming home this weekend and chilling with him. I need that. To just sit down and relax with him. I have been getting close to no sleep simply for the fact that I just can't do it. I'm becoming an insomniac.

Tomorrow I have an easier class load. Only two classes. But I sure do have an overflow of homework to occupy my time. I also have to be "placed" in a part for my choir. "/ That basically means I have to sing in front of a new music teacher. I don't know if you know this but Ms. Sawyer is the one and only music teacher I've ever sung by myself in front of. So... I'm definitely nervous. I just hope I do well enough to where he doesn't think I'm a complete failure. Oh, and thank the heavens for Ms. Sawyer and her boring music theory lectures. If it wasn't for her, I'd die in Music Theory I class that I have. I mean, I'm close to keeling over but thanks to her it hasn't happened yet. I'm also taking piano!!! :D I'm excited. Today was my first day in there so I'm definitely ecstatic about it. All of my teachers are extremely nice. Very approachable which is needed in my case. (I ask a lot of questions) They are majorly different from high school teachers though in the fact that they expect A LOT more out of you as students. My one teacher already assigned us an 8-10 page report. Don't worry, it's not due till the end of the semester but it's sure as hell intimidating. Feels like senior project all over again. But yeah, college is cool.

I lost my train of thought therefore I have nothing else to say. I'll add more when I'm available.

College.

My new friend Katy. :D

Not everyone likes strawberries...

Yeah, well, I've arrived.

Well... not just yet. Tomorrow I start classes and apparently you haven't officially started college until you've taken some classes. Even though I've had itineraries full of things to do that sure feel as boring as classes. I've met a lot of people. A LOT. I really like how welcoming everyone is. You can pretty much go up to anyone and introduce yourself and just start a really nice conversation. Anywhere else, they'd look at you crazy and turn away. So yeah, it's a really nice enviroment. Although, I have had a little problem. I went home for a day because I injured myself and when I got home, I felt lost. Just emotionally, I felt lost. I felt like I was pretending to be someone I wanted to be to be liked and coming home (where I could be myself) I was lost. I got so depressed. I felt like I didn't have a home since I never felt "at home" anywhere I went. Finally, being with Wes, we started to talk because he knew something was up. He was getting annoyed because I wasn't being myself. It was awful. But after the talk we decided that I just wasn't being honest with myself. I was so worried about being liked in a new enviroment that I was lying to myself to be just like everyone else. He told me that losing myself made me depressed.

He explained that life moves on with or without you. You have to appreciate everything in this world and don't take advantage because it'll turn grey. The world is so beauiful and HUGE. It's not just my little bubble that I've concerned myself with. I need to be honest with myself and everyone around me and I'll be happy. And that's exactly what I started doing. I feel so much incredibly better. Some people may not like me but not everyone likes stawberries.

:]

In the beginning of this whole college experience I didn't have a roomate. It really made me sad because I felt like I wasn't getting the entire experience. I wanted a best friend that everyone \ already had just living together. Be careful what you wish for my friends. I finally got one and we apparently don't mesh well. She kind of seems offish and like she just wants to be left alone. I wanted to have like a best friend-sister thing like everyone else but instead I got something else. I'm hoping it turns out better. I mean, we don't necessarily fight and she's not mean or anything. There's just not that "click" there. You know? I just want to feel comfortable. I'm going to be basically living like this for an entire year.

Other than that, everything's been going really well. I like being an "adult." I like pretty much being able to do whatever the hell I want without anyone giving me shit. I don't have to ask to go anywhere or need passes. It's awesome. So much better then highschool. Plus, what I like about Montreat is that everything's so close together. It's such a tight knit community. It's a nice feeling. Like someone told me before, "It's like church camp." I definitely like it. I just hope once classes begin I won't be too swamped to where I won't enjoy it anymore

I have almost all music classes. It's pretty good because that's what I'm most interested it. I just hope that I'm not too bad to where they kick me out or something. Aha.

PLUS, they have an open mic night down at the "barn" and I just might sing. I don't know. It's definitely nerve-racking. It might just be a treat. I'm just going to head down there with my friend Katy and we'll see how it goes.

Okay, so, me and my roomate just talked. Maybe it won't be THAT bad. I think we have something in common.

--Normalcy. Ahah.

Man, I love Wes.

The End.

Tonight's gonna be a good, good night.

So, tomorrow's the big day. Well, technically today since it's 1:00. I can't write that much because I'm SUPPOSED to be sleeping since I have to wake up at the butt crack of dawn to get ready.

But, like I said, tomorrow's the big day. The day I go off to college.

Shew, am I nervous. Like, I'm not butterfly nervous, I'm just unsure of what's going to happen. And that just bothers me to the point where I'm ansy and don't know how to act. It's very unlike me. Usually I'm the cool collected person. (Unless I'm around Wes.) It's scaring the crap out of me going into something new like this. I'm extremely excited. I've been wanting to experience something new like this for I don't know how long. It's just...I'm scared. I'm honestly scared. I'm a very dependent person and this is going to pretty much make me grow out of that. And that's something I'm not really looking forward to. I'm not looking forward to doing everything for myself and doing everything on my own. I always like to have at least one person on my side just in case. It's a comfort thing for me. My biggest fear is to be alone in a crowd. And that's exactly what's going to happen when my parents leave me there. :(

I just really really want to grow from this. I just don't want to go through the process. Aha.

I don't know. I'm babbling.

They have a whole itinerary full of things we're supposed to be doing. Hopefully I make at least a few friends that I can share everything. It's going to be extremely weird making new friends out of strangers. That's not something I'm good at since I don't normally do it. Shew. I need to go to bed.

I love Wesley. <3

Happy One Year Anniversary to ME!!

I love how on "Live Above the Influence" commercials portray potheads as really giving people. Ahaha. Like, everytime I see one, they're always offering a joint, blunt, whatever. See, in my own experience, potheads are usually greedy mofos. They are the LAST people to share ANYTHING let alone weed. I mean, they used to conjure up plans on how to exclude people without them knowing. I don't know... I just find it ironic.
( p.s. I'm not really proud of knowing these facts. )


So, this is the first happy blog entry that I've had in a very long time. It has been an entire year that me and the Wesman have been dating. Thank you, thank you. I actually am not surprised that we have lasted this long. It hasn't even felt like a year to me. I have always felt this close to him. I have always loved him just as much as I do now. The thing that has surprised me is that we're still in the "newlywed" stage. We're still cuddly and loving. We still talk baby talk to each other and everything. It's really sweet. I love the pooey out of him and I am confident that he feels the same. That says A LOT. I've experienced a relationship before that has lasted the same amount of time but in the end, didn't even amount to what I have now. It's incredible. I wish everyone could have what I do. I really do. Everyone in the world deserves their other half that brings them imense happiness. Why should I be the only one? :]

This morning actually scared me a lot. Wesley woke me up and started talking to me. All of a sudden he says, "I really want to talk to you about something that's been bothering me. I really need you to be my rock right now." He basically ended up telling me that the way our relationship was playing out wasn't good for him. The dynamics weren't the one he was desiring at this point. It really broke my heart. To me, that's just how I am in relationships. I'm showing you my love and that's it. If you don't like it, find the "right" relationship somewhere else. I honestly thought that it was the beginning of the end.

Fortunately (yet at the same time unfortunately), it was just a cry for help. He held deep within him a bigger issue that he didn't know was bothering him. I brought out of him what was truly bothering him. I wasn't about to give up something that was so incredibly important to me.

Coincidence showed me that it was the same thing that was bothering me the day before. We were both dealing with ex's that missed us who broke our hearts.

I'm not really going to discuss details only for the fact that I respect his privacy. I know that he really wouldn't like me spilling the beans over the internet.

In the end, we became closer then ever. We said goodbye to our demons and forever rid ourselves of them. It was such a relief. We're so much better off. We're better than all of that.

A whole year's worth of love renewed.

I have never been this happy with another person in my life. Everyone who has ever encountered me knows our story and how in love we are. I hope it stays that way forever.

That's what I'm planning for.

Me and Jamie have been becoming closer then ever. I felt once school let out, we fell out of touch. It was most likely my fault but I felt horrible. After I lost her, I felt like I had no friends but Wes. Everyone needs a best-girl-friend. Well, every girl does. We've been really good friends since 8th grade but this year we've really become close. I know she thinks once I leave for college, we're done. It's not true. I can't lose someone that valuable to me. She's actually really helped me with the whole Josh dibactle. That really meant something to me. I just want her to know I love her and I don't want to lose her. Since I know she's probably reading this.

Janaye is seriously a wonderful person. I have never really sat down and had a serious conversation before the bowling alley. We sat there waiting for Jamie and Taylor to show up just talking our head off about everything. It eventually ended up in talking about our belief systems. She actually showed me alot of falisies with my own beliefs and I realized how much our thinking matches up. It was awesome. It really made me like her a lot and want to keep her around. Ahah. And me and Jamie both agreed that she's really easy to talk to and hang out with. There's never a dull moment with her. As lame as this sounds, I feel like an adult around her. I like it.

Me and Michelle have been hanging out a lot lately. I really like it. I just wish that it would've happened sooner so that we would've had more time to hang out and get to know each other. I see that she has a lot of that high school drama in her life and I feel sorry. She's so much more mature than that. I mean, of course she gets sucked into it but I see her thinking about everything in adult ways. It just sucks that she's still at the stage where her actions speak differently. I really like her because she seems like a really nice person. And as much as she thinks I don't have fun with her, I do. I just hate when people mention my name when I don't care about them or their situations. It annoys me. (Not talking about Michelle but her friends)

Plus, I like being able to constantly talk about my past with someone who isn't completely annoyed by it. Because, as much as I try, I can't let go of my past. I like that she listens and contributes to our conversations.

I'm really scared to go to college.

First Blog.

Where were you when everything fell apart?


Well, first off, thank you Jamie for helping me establish my blog. I like my final product.
Unfortunately, I have something on my mind that's bothering me enough to write about.



I just want to know what he wants. What possesses him to text me? To talk about me like he misses me? To still think about me? I'm curious.
A part of me wants to continue talking to him to get the point. The answer to my questions.
Another part of me just wants him to go away. He's hurt me so much. Why should I give him another opportunity to do so? Why should I jeopardize a relationship that's so loving and fulfilling just for a few answers?
Curiosity killed the cat my friend. It's sure on it's way to getting me.

Where was he when I was shattered? When I was using drugs to fill the hole in my heart? When I had no one?
He was the one forcing me into a path I didn't want to go. He was the one passing me the joint. He was the one leaving me. He was the one changing who I am for forever. Leaving me with pieces to a soul that will never fit together again.

You know who was there to pick up those pieces? Do you know who took my heart and made it whole again? The kid who's laying on my couch sleeping all his worries away. The kid who finally helped me regain who I thought I could never be again. Wesley Dearman. He and Jamie made me realize that what he had to say was unimportant. He would've said it sooner if it even mattered. But even so, I'm not going to be there to listen to it. He can bother someone else because my life is fulfilled. What we had is in the past. That's it. It will no longer be my future or affect me because the only person possessing that power is Wesley. I'm glad for that. I truly believe that my heart is in good hands.

So, now I feel relieved. To know that I no longer need answers. I don't care. Do you hear that Josh Kay? I don't care.

I seriously could not ask for a better boyfriend or best friend.