D S

I started thinking about it the other day. What you did to me. Whether you know it or not, you severely impacted my life. More bad then good but that just shows the person you are. You accuse me of being something to not be proud of but have you ever seriously looked at yourself? Look at what you've done? Not only to me but to everyone else. You've told people you've changed for the better but honestly? I don't believe it for a second. I've heard it all before. It was always the thing to come out of your mouth. You say you can't get over what I've done to you in the past. There's too much for me to get over. Too much there. I hate to admit it but I was depressed. I wanted to die then. Why? Because of you and the puppets you used against me. Yes, I did things wrong but I didn't deserve half of what you dished out. I was watching a show yesterday about Teenage Girls Today. Of course I'm not included because I'm considered an adult. But man, did it still remind me of all those days. There were a lot of good ones. Although, the main ones that stick out to me are the bad ones. The ones that you caused. They talked about a whole new level of harassment that never goes away. I experienced it. I got tons of physical and mental hits. I still have mental scars. The most impressionable years and you took away one of them. All over a stupid boy that was just going to break your heart anyway. He was a manipulator that manipulated us both. I keep telling myself I'm thankful you taught me a lesson. In retrospect, I don't thank you. I resent it all. You said you forgave me but always threw it in my face. I'm glad we're not friends anymore. Really glad.
Then why?
Why all of a sudden?
Why do you haunt my dreams?

Hey Man, Nice Shot

I seriously just got so mad over a few words spoken by a used-to-be-good friend.

There's nothing to be "better then."

"I'm better then that."

Different people do different things to cope with life and/or problems. Just because they use drugs to deal with it, doesn't make them a bad person. I hate ignorant people. I hate people who have grown up in a bubble all their lives and then decide it's okay to judge something they've never experienced. Trust me, I've been there and done that. A person is still a person no matter what they do. THEY'RE A HUMAN BEING. ARE YOU BETTER THEN A HUMAN BEING?

If you seriously have no idea what I'm talking about (mostly because you haven't been there) watch Intervention. It's the only other thing that truly shows you the inner being of a crackhead, anorexic, heroin addict, etc. There's reasons for people to act the way they do. I believe that it's the experiences they encountered that motivates them. Am I a bad person because I did drugs in the past? Am I a bad person because I still associate with people who still do? Are you really better then me? NO, you're not. I just feel personally attacked by that statement.

Don't make a generalization like that until you really KNOW. And even then it's not okay but I'll let it slide. It's so sad to see people... to see people say things like that. They'll never know.

They'll never know the demons. They'll never know how hard it is. They'll never know anything about anything until they truly open their eyes.

I wish I could open people's eyes.

I wish I could even see better.

F*ck this. F*ck that statement. F*ck it all.

I just cruised around blogspot for a minute and I've checked out a lot of blogs.

They are soooo much more interesting then my little dinky thing. People have so much more of a.... life then I do. There's so much more out in the world then my lame bubble. I keep forgetting this. Sometimes you just have to step out of your own realm of reality and see how big the world actually is. I watched that one movie called Earth. Wow. That movie was incredibly awe-inspiring. It brought to my attention how immense this universe actually is. Like, there's places outside of the U.S. There's things bigger than your house. I don't know how to explain it. It's hard. You just have to feel it to understand. I wish I could go outside and enjoy life more often. Instead I suffer from laziness and apathy. I just don't care. Or, on the other hand, I care too much. It's one or the other extreme.

I also read this book named "Our Town" by Thornton Wilder. Only reason I remembered all of this is because I've had to write multiple essays on it. My point here is that Wilder brought to the table a second opinion. He said in so many words that the simple things in life are actually the important ones. Those are the things that should be cherished. The everyday monotonous routine that we all complain of, that's where it's at.

I agree but I don't.

Like I said before; step out of the bubble.

I don't think you should hate your life though.

I'm always switching sides. I'm like a swinger. Aha.

I don't know. I guess I just write in this thing, not to show the world what I have to say (even though that's slightly it too), but to keep myself sane. These are the words that never seem to be able to come out when I'm talking. The words that swirl around in my head with no point until I type them (and even then they seem kind of jumbled). Who knows? The human mind is a tricky thing. If it doesn't tell the rest of the body what to do, you're dead.

There for you

Sometimes I'm a selfish fake
You're always a true friend
I don't deserve you
'Cause I'm not there for you
Though I wish I would be

I wanna be there for you
And be someone you can come to

Swirling shades of blue
Slow dancing in your sky
The sun kisses the earth
And I hush my urge to cry

'Cause I hear the whispered words
In your masterpiece beautiful
You speak the unspeakable through
I love you too

I wanna be there for you
And be someone you can come to

I wanna be there for you
And be someone you can come to
The love runs deeper than my bones
You're beautiful don't you know?

FLYLEAF