http://protestsociety.tumblr.com/

i just want to feel like an adult already

First, they put away the dealers. Then, they put away the prostitutes. Then, they shoot away the bums and beat and bash the queers. Turned away asylum-seekers. Fed us suspicions and fears. We didn't raise our voice. We didn't make a fuss. It's funny, there was no one left to notice when they came for us. Silence only makes them stronger.

The Chase

I try so hard not to look as pathetic as I feel.

I am so excited! Everything is just falling perfectly into place. It’s amazing!

I just had a really horrible dream. I know it’s significant. I always have dreams that I can feel in my bones it means something. I wish I had a dream interpreter when things like this happen to me. When I actually do sleep and have a dream, I feel like someone is trying to tell me something.

Anyways, this dream made me feel so alone. It was depressing. I’m actually still affected by it even though I am awake. I dreamt that I went back to Montreat but I was alone. I would keep trying to get together with my old friends but they were all over the place and nothing was familiar anymore. The ones I did actually get back in touch with, were not for long. I even bought a playstation and beat a kid because he kept trying to ruin it. At the end of the thing, I was having lunch with my parents, crying  because of how horrible everything is. It’s so scarily weird because when I do go back to Montreat, everything is going to be different since I believed I wasn’t going back there. (Well, not really. Deep down inside I knew I was meant to be there.)  Either way, it just really worried and affected me in a way I can’t describe because seriously, those girls are my life. I even feel like I am missing something here at home. It’s so sad how I felt like I met my life-partners there. It’s even more sad that dreams where I lose them affect me as much as they have. :(

 

I don’t even know what to think anymore.

i hate her fucking face.

i hate her stupid name.

i wish she never even existed to me

or you.

i wish i could forget

yeah, i forgave but why can't i just forget?

the decision you made still haunts me.

i still think about it.

how could you?

i still have doubts in my mind every now and then

yeah, you love me but...

didn't you love me then too?

sometimes it just gets to me

that all this went wrong

and i have to deal with it

while you got off easy.

i just wish you knew how i feel

and how that still affects me.

i just want to get this off my chest.

The Game

Why do I find it completely repulsive when guys hit on me over the internet? Like... dude, I have never met you nor do I intend to; especially after this. I guess I'm just old fashioned thinking that it's better to actually meet someone in person FIRST. The internet isn't my freaking life dude nor do I plan to make it. I am a compulsive Montreat Mail checker and whatnot. Not my fault.

OH, and another thing, do you people not see that I am very happily taken? I try to post that crap everywhere and creepers are still out there creeping.

p.s. this only happens once in a blue moon. Trust me, I'm not as hot as it sounds.

Anyways, so I guess I'm not as helpless lately. Or maybe I hide it well... who knows?

I am just getting better about handling my emotions. The only thing that really bothers me nowadays is the fact that I CANNOT get music theory for my life. It is very hard for me to admit I need help and get tutored. That I have been doing (very big deal) and it's still not working. I just don't get it and it breaks my heart. I cry about once a day about it but it's okay. It's not the end of the world. Usually my friends cheer me up anyway. They're always so happy to see me. :D Loves it.

Did you know they started quoting me when I'm not there? How cute!!!

They're such cute babygirls.

There are a few people here that I want to seriously maim. They anger me to the point I can't stand it. Their ignorance is unbearable. It's seriously surprising.

Speaking of surprises, I really enjoy my New Testament class. Let alone are all of my friends in there but it's so wonderful to get an intelligent conversation going about the Bible. Especially since I'm not well educated in that area while everyone else is. It makes me feel inferior at times but it's okay. MC makes everything better. Ahaha.

Well this is a lame entry that I really shouldn't be writing. I just felt like getting that little rant out about this creeper. I wish I looked older.

It’s the end of the world as we know it…

I really feel like I have just given up. The other day in choir, my teacher was talking after prayer about how he can see that this is the second semester and people have already given up. I am definitely one of those people. He was talking about how we need to persevere through everything and keep that momentum we had in the beginning. For me, that’s really hard to do. Like I said before, I feel like I have just given up and there’s no turning back from this.

I just don’t feel like doing much of anything anymore. I have homework that has been piling up for days, so many things that are expected of me and I do none of it. Well, I guess I kind of do some of it half-assed only because I know it NEEDS to be done. It’s just, I don’t have the zest I used to have coming here. I still like the place and people, my attitude towards school in general is not the same. I keep trying to talk to people about it but it never comes out right. I try talking to Wesley but he is always having his own problems nowadays and nothing matters but that. It’s whatever. I feel like that part of my life is falling through too but that’s a whole new tangent I just don’t feel like going on.

I just don’t feel anything anymore. I am completely apathetic to everything.

Everyone thinks it’s a bad thing. I’m a little worried about it but at the same time, who cares? 

I’ll savor every moment of this.

I’m really relaxed right now. I’m really liking how things are finally looking up. I’m heading back to Montreat tomorrow and I’m excited. I’m excited to see all my friends again. Excited to finally be able to do something. I’m excited to stuff my small brain with some more information. Plus, I like the freedom I have there. In Morganton I feel trapped. Physically and emotionally. I swear if it wasn’t for Wes, I’d probably never come back here. I love hanging out with him.

I found some old CDs in Chris’ room while I was looking for… something. I don’t remember. I guess I got sidetracked. Anyways, I’m listening to them right now and they’re making me really happy. That’s highly unusual because most of the time when I hear old songs they trigger a memory that makes me miss it so much, I wish I was there and I get sad. Instead… this time… I’m happy. I’m happy I got to experience that and that there’s more experiences in the future. I don’t know, I guess I’m just full of life today. The sun’s shining, it’s warmer but still crisp outside. Good music’s playing. No worries. No stress. Me and Madii are friends again. (super happy about that one on numerous levels) I’m just feeling really good. I think I’m finally finding ways to be happy and recovering. :)

Hope this lasts.

Just a really good day. Really, really good day.

Gym, tanning, laundry

I seriously effing love the Jersey Shore!!!! Both the show and the actual place! Ahah.

Dude, I swear to God I've never laughed so hard at a show. It's hilarious because it's all so true! I've been there and done that and these people just make it so hilarious. The things they do and the stuff they say, I just can't get over it. The one guy called the girl a trashbag. The other said she doesn't eat lobsters because they're alive when you kill it! They all are guidos and guidettes (sorry if I spelled that wrong). I just can't get over any of it. I am officially obsessed. I swear JWOWW is my girl! She's the baddest bitch on the show and I love her. I'm going to get a shirt this summer when I go to Jersey that says, "JWOWW is the shit." Loves it. If you haven't seen the show, please, watch it

On a more serious note, the show really makes me miss the actual place. I've been going to Wildwood since I was a little kid and I've always loved it. There's so much to do. It's so much fun and it never ever gets old. It's like a fond memory you always get to visit. Last year Wes went with me and it was awesome. It COULD NOT have gotten any better. It was the best and really was a dream come true. We got to bike ride everywhere and my favorite was when we rode to the ice cream place. We got a cone, ate it. I broke my bike so he took it and I rode his. It was awesome. We watched the sunset. We swam in the bay 24/7. He took me out on the canoe. We walked to sunset lake. We walked the boards. It was amazing. I really hope it happens all again this summer. I miss it so much.
So yeah, just a random blog. Had to get it off my chest since Wes isn't here to hear me ranting. :)

Don’t let it burn.

Oh blogspot, why do you call my name at every corner? I wish I could ignore you like the feelings that are seeping through the seems. If only there was something I could do to keep my mind off things like everyone else. Instead, I don’t. My mind is racing with thoughts that I wish would just go away. I wish… I wish… I wish…

I wish I could just go back to Montreat and everything be normal like it used to be.

I wish I started the new year better.

I wish I wasn’t here.

I wish Wes would actually be there.

I wish I that I actually had a good way of dealing with my feelings instead of ignoring them.

I wish I didn’t push people away only because I don’t know what else to do. I don’t want to involve them in my pathetic life.

I wish I didn’t feel so inadequate.

I wish I didn’t have to buy things to make myself happy.

I wish I could drive instead of having a phobia.

I wish I had freedom that comes with driving.

I wish I wasn’t getting so fat.

I wish I had piercings: one on my cheek like Missy, two piercings on the left side of my lip, and industrial bars in both of my ears.

I wish I didn’t feel the need to impress everyone.

I wish I could just be me instead of pretending to be something I’m not.

I wish I actually liked people instead of finding a flaw in everyone.

I wish I had more then Wes to depend on.

I wish I didn’t feel the need to put everyone down just so I feel better.

I wish I could just ignore all of these feelings. Just put them in a vault so they could go away forever.

I wish, I wish, I wish.

I just want to feel adequate in my own skin so I could just LIVE MY LIFE.

Instead I sit here, overanalyze everything, and post blogs just to feel important.

 

I wish I could sleep forever.